Allow me the pleasure to get a bit visceral.
Sometimes life decides to fuck you up the anal tract with a rusty old chipped steel pipe. And what do we do?
We show life that this ain't no prison, there's rules, etiquette, morals and a little something called humanity.
Now let me tell you about the latter.
Humanity is the smile you give a stranger. It's the pop of an all to apparent social bubble when approaching people. It is the feeling of belonging somewhere. It's saving worms from drowning in the rain. It's you and me, respecting each other fully.
No matter who you are. As long as you accept others.
Today I was rejected from life. Uprooted from my safe haven. Torn from a world relatively safe. Like a damaged cell, I'm trying to heal by going back to a safe state.
Knowing my past will bare one more scar.
I moved to the south in part because I met some of the most inspirational people I've ever met. Brave to live for what they believed in, beautiful in the way they create and excite.
I also moved because I have a desire to adventure and to at times throw myself into the unknown and let the world open up before me.
The issue at hand is a clash of two worlds. Even when I try my best, some people just have standards that just won't work with me. And I'm sorry I don't fit in their snug perfect box, no, wait; actually fuck their box with a cheese grater! I thought I could trust these super people. But it turns out once they break, they l loose part of their humanity. And the only thing they see is a mirror image of me, me, me. Unable to respect others efforts and good will.
I learned many lessons these six months. How to build walls, handle cement, how society treats people who strife to live of their arts, both on streets and from government branches.I also picked up a bunch of baby sitting skills, many clever everyday sentiments and I even picked up some cooking knowledge. I learned how there is a whole other world of people I think I do best to avoid living with.
Sometimes I feel like the only sane person. Yet I guess you'd think me insane for throwing away work, apartment and leaving friends behind to try live in this box. You have to understand, I was dead on the inside. Work was so close to breaking me. As my family was being torn apart (work related) and I had all but lost my muse. So I did what I always do, I try to find a way. And until a few days ago I believed I was slowly getting there. That I had hit rock bottom. A new slate. But life surprised me by kicking me further down. I really didn't think I'd be homeless, jobless and money less all at the same time. At least I'm not witless.
And I have beautiful friends and family with no real obligation who's ready to help out just because that is the way they are.
But allow me a moments fairness. I've had food on the table and roof above my head. I've tried to do what's in my power to help out. I'm sad that it wasn't enough because deep down I believed in this and wanted to help and be a part of it. Apparently I was not good enough to them even if I tried my best trying to hold onto all of the things I had in my head. Looking up how to start my own company, failed because it really bites you in the ass if you want to get a base income from Alfakassan. Looking for work was problematic and there was paperwork in abundance. I even started to brave the streets to try to earn back some money so I could more easily sustain my own living, that also proved a huge learning experience, and during my recent trip north, I even started to write a manuscript and plan for my stage show. In between I've kept up with work on my game, my writing. Tried to make Playjoy work but really couldn't. This may seem a story of many failed things and it is, but some of them were slowly falling into place. They.. I needed time. Time I would have had, had I listened to my own reasoning. But remember I was craving change in life.
That's maybe half that was going on. The other half was winter and trying to get on track with renovations on the house. Or taking care of it in the absence of its owners. But eeh, I don't really like to count favors but I feel I have to set an example.
I don't want to antagonize these people, I just want them to know I feel they don't understand me at all. And I guess at the end of the day I don't understand them.
I don't know how lowly I'd have felt If I ever had to tell someone without social and economical security to just vanish in a day. I'm not just a ragdoll to be kicked around.
They have said to care for me and their family.
Yet all this talk about caring for family is now but a cold, calculated shield to hide behind. It's comfortable to have someone to blame, isn't it?
Either way...
It's ungrateful to not at least help a visitor on his way out. But I'm not getting that either it seems.
And so I'm burdened to ask monumental favors from other family and friends.. And for what exactly?
But from this grave I'll forge a life to outshine the northern star.
Watch me shine.
And let my stars shine with me. You know who you are.
Signed, Mireneye
