Having a job has really called into question a lot of things about me as a person.
It's also raising a lot of thoughts in general.
Here is one of those thoughts.
How does it make me feel?
While at work it's sometimes empowering, I feel I'm helping guests have a nice experience and I can share a part of my life, laughs and experiences with my fellow workers.
But like a double edged blade it also makes me feel quite inferior. Like everyone else who overworks themselves, who tries so hard. Or those who sail through the storms with excellence and finessé has something I don't. That they are more grown up. That EVERYTHING I've ever created was just an elaborate way to avoid the unavoidable. Growing up. Or acting as such.
And that's the thing.. I don't act.
Where is my sense of destiny in this petty form?
The only comfort I find is that I can tell myself at night that if I keep doing this for a few years I can be just as good as them. Just as good at fitting in with the crowd.
But isn't all this just superficial? Didn't we create this system exactly to make me feel this way? To put blame on those who refuse to conform?
To turn even creative minds into factories, able to produce for the sake of monetary gain. Something just as superficial as the rest of the system.
I'm disgusted that we havn't gotten further. That we can't be more free. And I'm seriously starting to think about alternatives.
In the long run I don't want to live my life like this.
Our bodies wither and die. We are here for a limited time. Why live this life if it can not be for your own ambitions?
But then there's all the benefits that we are fed.
By having a steady income:
I'm not blamed for:
*beeing a leech on society
*I'm able to buy the latest games and consoles
*I'll be able to go on larger trips again.
*I have greater freedom to indulge in more diverse cultures
*I'll be able to pay fellow artists more
*I can repay the debts I owe people
*I can get a drivers license
And yes money "solves" these things. But even so I'm still not motivated by money. Money has been thrown in my face all my life but I was never susceptible to it's allure. It's hard for me to care about money that friends borrow from me, it's hard for me to care about economical paperwork like invoices. Although I take my own loans from people very seriously because I don't impose my own views on them. And finally it's hard for me to take money for jobs. Even when I look at my salery the numbers all feel fake to me. Sure the effects are real. But only because we've created this world of segregation.
I'm not sure what I can do about it. But I'd like to change something about my own life that can bring me back to my sense of destiny.
And don't take this to be simply black and white. There are shades of my destiny in everything I do. When I'm behind the bar serving drinks, when I get to interact with people who return with smiles on their faces I can see it, feel it!
But I can not and will never be motivated by money. I would rather find my destiny on the streets. And if I have to go there AGAIN, then maybe I will.
But it shouldn't have to be that extreme. I'm going to carve a path into the threads of destiny. And I will cut out a piece for myself. You'll see.
Signed, Mireneye
