I'm whining and I hate it! I'm hating the order but it's the lesser evil...

I won't neglect that I've been in a type of darkness for a while.

I've been holding it off for a pretty good while, it begins with a lot of built up tension and knowledge. Knowledge that life is slowly catching up to me.

Sometimes in life you are ahead. Ecomically you are fine, you have lots of energy and you dispense it wisely. Socially you are given as much if not more energy then you yourself give others.

Other times you are far behind. I feel most people are just taking from me. I feel it at home, at work. I feel it from some of my projects. The few sources I have, even if they are good sources does not hold me steady.

Even if I just had a "vacation" with hotel and everything and I fully enjoyed it, make no mistake. The moment I returned I was just as exhausted as when I left because essentially nothing had changed.

There is only one way to get back on your feet and that is to learn to stand up again. I have employed a few things to help me get back on my feet. When I come home tomorrow I hope with every fiber of my body I will have enough energy to pull through with it.

But truly I just want to lie down and die, and do nothing and let the world pass for an undefined period of time...

But I'd hate to see the all that time wasted. See every where I turn. Every solution is a lesser evil. When the truth is I just want to get back to my creative and free self but there is very few things that can archive greatness through full freedom as projects tend to require a certain amount of order.

Especially with other people involved.

I need to reach that state of "awesome" again. To become one with the wavelength of life. To find the rhythm that defines me.

Signed, Mireneye