There's a great weakness inside of me. A fear deeply rooted.
It's not so much a fear of loosing something, it's not the fear of not being able to deal with life on my own.
It's the fear of making the same mistake. Over and over. The fear of not learning, the fear of ending up years down the road without having learnt a lesson or two.
It's a very real fear. I feel it gnawing inside of me when I'm at my worst. When doubt take hold of me and when whatever otherwise comforting thought runs off my body like water.
It's the fear of that dark twisted spiral in which I don't know if I'm strong enough to look at, let alone battle.
What can be done? It's one of the few things in life that has me shaken to my core. I'm afraid that even if I'm stronger now, It's not enough because it will always be there in the background. Unless I face it headfirst and defeat it.
If there's a silverlining to this post then it's in these words:
I'm here, I'm writing, I'm screaming inside. I feel silly I feel stupid. But one thing is certain. I have not given up. Giving up is something I was never good at to begin with. So there's only one way to go. I just hope I can soothe my passing somehow as I continue to tackle my inner demon.
Signed, Mireneye
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