The old the habits and the new

The old:
I've come to understand one important thing about my behaviour when me and my old flame's path separated into two as we did. When we broke up I never really processed the emotion fully. I was sad but not devestated, believing fully and foolishly that if I put some effort into it, things would turn in my favor.

But I was completely blind to the fact, where I had always been a part of the solution.. I was now the problem.

It might seem like the easiest thing to understand, not for me, which brings me to my second red herring.

The habit:
I'm most definietly the kind of person who feels good helping somebody, not the greatest listener (I did that all my young life), but I try to juggle the balance of the two. After all, sometimes the great talker is exactly what is neccesary to get somebody in the right mood.

In the habit of always being a positive force, doing positive things for friends. Having that habit turn on me was more or less a mind numbing shock.

And now, many moons later I've come to a new conclusion.

The new:
The new me has dark memories of things I'd rather never had been a part of, but they are overwhelmed by the adventure that was the relationship. In such a way I've grown more mature and more secure in who I am. Those are some of the good things.

There were sacrifices, facing such real situations I never had to work with made me a colder person. I used to spread smiles, I have that inside of me. But for now it lies dormant awaiting something or someone to ignite the spark.

In search of that spark I've learned to become a better planner, a man of more responsibility. I've started to walk the path that I've always felt inferior to archive.

That is a victory!

The most severe sacrifice was the smile of my soul. But I believe it to be waiting for me somewhere on my journey.

Will you come and smile with me?