Today I realized some things about myself. My friend was talking to me and while I wanted to be interested I just felt my attention dwindling and slowly I just could not focus neither remember a word of what he said.
At first I thought it was just my mind acting up all stupid not being able to keep up with what he was saying but after having given it some though I realized it is at least partially because of my ability or one could say lack of focus.
There is however an instance that happens to me every so often that I have yet been able to explain. It's a similar state in which I'm completely focused in the moment but days afterwards I seem to have forgotten almost all the content of that moment but the essence stays with me.
By the essence I mean what stays with me are things like the general emotion if it was fun, boring, exciting.
I have blamed myself hard for not remembering these things.. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it has been for me at times to somehow having phased out things that are SO important to others.
I'm calling it "phased out" because I have no idea what to call it.
But there is a cure. The cure is going through the conversations in my head afterwards and also writing things down. All hope is not lost. I'm getting by, unless I forget to do this, which happens. But the occasions have gotten fewer.
In the end I choose to focus a lot of energy on this issue because it has ended up being something that people find very important. And I agree.
With almost having wrapped up that topic for now let's connect some dots and then move on.
What I meant by these thing being similar is the phasing. But in one instance I'm seemingly totally focused in the other I'm barely able to keep focus at all.
I need a second opinion to analyze this. I really can not understand why this is by myself. I tried. This was just yet another definition that I have found about what is happening to me.
I do the same if I lay down in bed to watch stuff. I can phase out even if it's practically the most interesting show in the world. Let's call it super-selective narcolepsy, and no... I don't know the actual definition of the word.
That aside... let's move on to another issue.
I promised myself never to fear feeling or to fear that particular feelings might destroy something. I promised so that I could always be true to my feelings.
It's not always so easy. These days I feel much more fragile and a lot more thankful for the wonderful days I've had. Luck has always seemingly been on my side but my faith in said luck is beeing tested more now then ever. It's almost like a curse has befallen my family.
But I have stood strong, perhaps to long. Every day that passes I almost feel like I'm on the edge of crying, I never feel far away from it. Yet somehow I don't. There's a core fragment in my very being that keeps me stable.
But there are things to be happy about, the little light there is has a tendency to shine the brightest when it is needed the most. How convenient.
And it is within that speck of light that I relish my being.
It is here that I will find my strength again.
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