The bullet

I've been haunted since childhood by something I haven't really told anyone. One could call it one of my most well kept secrets.

The reason is because I've always lacked ways to explain it and frankly nobody has ever asked or explained something similar so I have just stored the experience in mind, looking for an adequete way to explain.

Tonight I decided to just ramble it out to my mother and boy was I surprised how well the words painted the scenario.

This might sound crazy, at best it could just be a fragment of my vivid imagination that still linger inside of me. At worst this could make me sound all kinds of mental. The general feeling you have to concider when reading is that this feels like something so much more real and tangliable.

I've had this since I can remember, and it strikes me at the oddest of times at events that carry little to no correlation to each other, except being a part of everything.

One instance was when I was living in Överklinten. I was outside maybe nine years old, standing next to one of those powerlines poles and I held my hand against it's wooden surface and I was suddenly overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. They invaded in giant heaps of ambivalence in the form of sadness and happyness and a lot of other contradicting emotions.

In the same moment I felt as if I was watching the universe unfold before my eyes. The vision portrayed images that either conveyed the same feelings or perhaps these images were summoned by the feelings themselves. However I can hardly begin to ponder if the images or the feelings came first.

I saw pain and suffering. I saw people, lots and lots of different people and animals. But beyond seeing their emotions I was seeing their design... for this brief moment I could feel how small organisms worked together to make larger beings function.

I'm caught offguard by the shock and have to take a quick breath. It's over before it even really started. A glimpse of everything.

To my mother I explained it as if you took a gun loaded with cosmos and shot it through your head. As it passes your head you connect to everything, you see it all. Swiftly the bullet pushes through on the other side leaving you breathless..

And just like that, it's over.

I had one of these today which reminded me of them. I'm starting to wonder what they are and if other people have ever felt the same.

Signed, Mireneye