What's on my mind?

I've come to understand that there's a strong link between when I write at the blog and when I feel emotional in some way. As I can most often not get the answers I'm looking for when I turn to people. People are simplistic in how they offer their help and most people do not seem to understand me and what makes me tick. What is internal for me to feel motivated. And lately the people I've tried to talk to have just been.. unavailable at the right time which sucks ass.

Recently I've spent a lot of time everyday working on a project I believe in. I even got the support of others, to work in a team, something I promised myself I wouldn't do because of all of my previous bad experience of working in a team, but knowing who I am I'd like to someday push through and become a better team-player.

I've had the fortune to work with some awesome people and now good friends. I could not have hoped for a better start.

But here is where things cross a silver lining and makes a turn for a more emotional ride.

I don't know what I'm doing or how long the motivation will keep up. I feel the chaos inside me trying to regain control every so often, it beckons me to let go, take a break.

But that is not my way. If contemporary circus and gaming ever taught me one thing is that when you push yourself hard, even when it's not fun, then you are on the verge of new discoveries and becoming better.

Progress is not always fun but working with the new-found abilities you gained from the struggle is priceless.

But now, every time I've denied myself to let things go for a while the urge has gone away only to return stronger then before.

I have so many things I want to do and prioritizing (which has been my savior thus far) does not seem to work any more. I've just bitten of to many fruits at the same time, and pretty hefty chunks at that.

With that being said. First on my list is to have a meeting with the Playjoy crew and talk to them proper about where I am in life right now and what we will make of Playjoy, moving forward.

I think this is my resolve. I'm not stopping but the plan has to be remastered so that the vision and idea can live on. In general more room for the integral chaos of my being to be satisfied because I've grown quite tired of structure and I can slowly see how it's falling apart and how it affects me.

There is a balance, and right now I'm about to fall off one side. But being on the verge has taught me lots of things and hopefully I can keep applying them in the future and keep pushing myself.

While being mindful that one of my greatest weaknesses in recent memory is that I don't know how much I can do before I start becoming emotional and start wavering with my resolve.

Most days I just stop moping around and start being awesome. Even that get's taxing after a while when you have to get through that mental state a few times a day.

I hope you will understand.

Signed, Mireneye