The ugly

I don't know where to start.

My journey to Urkult had a series of events that unfolded that put me in a very vulnerable position. And in that position I think I was furthermore hurt a few times. And furthermore, I probably went into Urkult, already carrying a lot of recent burdens.

I feel betrayed.
But the smart thing would be to separate the feeling of being betrayed with the intention.
And I think I can be certain that no-one meant for this to happen. No-one means me ill. I think. Their intentions good.

I think the cases can be distilled into the categories of 1, miscommunication and 2, me wanting to believe, therefore not seeing the full picture. (misinterpreting by choice).

I think that would make an accurate display of what transpired.

Going into it, I know I'm still fragile from the death of a close ones dog, and now I'm carrying a new sorrow that I aquired during my journey. The death of my granny. Last of the close relative in the older part of the family line.

My dad was also at the hospital, they are still figuring out what is wrong with him, but he is home now at least.

And my mom, well.. Her condition isn't any better. I feel sad that I don't see her that much. Life seeming so fleeting these days, maybe I won't get the chance to really talk to her about all the things that actually matter.

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel exhausted, like I can't take any more.

I want to be the person who can infuse good things in my relationships. Not the one spewing venom. But I'm screaming on the inside, a baby scream. Afraid that these feelings I have will ruin the few good things that's going on in life right now. Maybe they already have. Maybe this is just the cascade. And I'm powerless, watching the bricks fall like dominos that I have no control over.

I fear that I can't make someone feel appreciated. I fear that I'll do more damage than good.
I try to be transparent. "Hey, I'm sort of a mess right now, I'm sorting things through, I hope you can be patient with me".

I hope my words will be more than an echo. I need to be heard, need to be felt.
Surely these feelings are mine to process, mine to get through.

But as it's all coming down around me. I can't help but feel, I might need some wind under my wings, so I can take off and fly once more.

Signed, Mireneye