On the long road back

It feels so different to live in a world without Ladie, my grandmother and Björne.

In a world without a stable social circle.
I thought I would survive 2019 and feel stronger and feel that I had processed the bad that happened so I could enjoy everything amazing that happened.

But I don't know. I mostly feel changed.
Because I got to encounter most of it alone.

It sometimes feels like the universe owes me something, like there is an infinitely large hole in me. Unfortunately this has had an adverse impact on loved and close ones when I asked for help.

I am often treated as if I cannot handle it on my own then I am trash. No one wants to be with a weak person. They don't say it, but it obviously feels like they're pulling away. And people who "care" suggest that I need to fix something in how I think. Is it so strange that maybe I just need a hug and someone to listen?

I tried to hold on harder and harder, because I don't want to lose more this year.

And then I lost even more.

After everything, being able to trust once again that I can let go, and people will come back if I give them space and time; is so difficult.

I plays a music playlist, which happens to contain songs from all my past loving relationships. Songs too good to take away. It feels like all the bad things of those happens to me happens at the same time, as if my life consisted of four separate timelines that simultaneously meet in a head-on collision.

All mental wounds bleed simultaneously.
And my, not so ideal childhood makes itself heard.

But I try not to define myself after this sacrificial gown.

I always have a silver line. I have always been attracted by the idea that whatever you do, there is always something to build on.

This should not be an exception.
So that's why I'm looking for what my silver line can be.

(This is a repost from Facebook, where it was first published 13th of November 2019)