A broken art

A broken art

Josh hadn't come home that night. The rooftop apartment was lonely and silent, only a vague humming too easily passed on as white noise could be heard.

And here I was, soloing in the couch, browsing for new toys to add to my collection on a brand new Ipad I borrowed off school.

With another tab I check the social media and the almost obligatory dating app. A picture of me was on display.

Claire Kelly

In the picture I'm close to six feet tall, I've got long jet-black raven hair. And within the bosom of night my eyes look almost green as they bounce off the moonlight.

The picture was taken on a summer vacation in Venice. On a moonlit night with life running through our veins.

And by "our" I mean Josh and I. We used to be so close. That was before all this.

Two years ago we met at a club called the Dark Desire. An old friend of mine, Juniper invited me over. It was a masquerade of sorts. Everyone was clad in costumes and feathered masks. Juniper made a point of creating a bit of an alter ego. A character.

It was the first time I would use the moniker Vanessa Lionheart, but certainly not the last.

My costume to which Juniper had meticulously helped me assemble was a work of art. I didn't quite perfectly match the lines like all those commercials on television, but her craftsmanship really brought out a voluptuous aspect to my body I didn't even know I had.

It' made me feel slightly uncomfortable but very, very sexy.

The location of the club changed every now and then. And invitations were only by word of mouth. I felt like I was walking straight into the mansion in Eyes Wide Shut. If you have not seen the movie all you really need to know is that under the innocent facade of  the name and the masquerade; there are things going on, things the outer world is better off not knowing about.

Things I was eager to get down and dirty with.

The white marble entrance was lit from the side and under, almost giving the archway with the open door an angelic appearance. If it wasn't for the little she-devils in the outer garden having a wild and bloody threesome it looked like heaven.

But I knew right from the start that heaven was not for me. I knew deep inside of me that I belong here with the dark and the twisted. Yet I hesitated. Juniper was long gone already inside somewhere and like an automaton I just passed right by temptations playground.

In my sudden state of confusion I heard a voice approaching from behind. A deep, raspy voice.
"Are you alone miss?"
"No I'm trying to find a friend of mine." I said as I turned around.
Suddenly two hands grab a hold of mine. And I'm met with the voice once again.
"You've found him." to which my response was an evasive motion I had picked up from an old military acquaintance. And then a well placed punch to the chin. "Don't touch me, if you ever touch me again I will defenestrate you!" I had meant to say castrate but thought it too vulgar. Call it a reflex. The guy had one of those simple yet elegant upper half, face masks. Leaving a pair of beautiful lips bloodied red and a curious but well rounded nose, he was dressed sharply not that it served him any good now. He fell on his back seemingly surprised. I added. "And should you ever talk to me again, you address me as Miss Lionheart, understood?"

The night still had a freshness to it. Like a fancy candy, Juniper was nice enough to join me moments later to unpack the evening in such a fashion.
"What's this?" She exclaimed when she saw the man slowly getting to his feet.
Before I could talk the man waved his right hand dismissively. "This.. Is nothing."
I looked at Juniper with the kind of eyes only a best friend can read.
"You tried to force yourself onto her you creep! I'll report you!" Juniper always showed such strength of character, but I was nothing less. "We will." I said reaffirmingly. "This can't go unpunished now can it?". The man made it to his feet.
"Don't report me, I meant no harm. I thought...", I Interrupted "Thought what? That you can just have at it all you like with anyone in here? Who do you think you are.. some kind of wannabe Christian Grey? the likes of you don't belong here."
"I thought you were someone else."
"That's a shallow excuse, where in the world..." He interrupted. "Behind you Miss Lionheart." I looked and there she was. almost a carbon copy of me. She could play my double any day. And then she opened her mouth.

While I carry my voice with a certain authority and respect, her voice was more like a stereotypical screamy teenager. "Ben!" She exclaimed, "Been looking all over for you, come here darling". Her clothes were similar to mine, but she was also clad in a complementary leather harness.

Argumentative paradigms

There seems to be two very strong paradigms that dominate arguments. One is the person who look at the big picture to him it matters what reprecussions something has in the long run. This person often find himself clashing with the other type who accept and doesn't categorize but rather think of things as being their own unique enteties.

I would love if I could be the second person. I like to take things at face value I don't want to have to think of the long term effects. alas I also can't unsee things.

This is really only a problem because society at large is made out of patterns. If we see someone being sucsessfull there is going to be be people who assume similar roles to reconstruct these patterns.

On the flipside there are moments when it's positive to look at things as their own enteties and not categorize or copy the pattern. This is a very free creative area. A person who thinks this way choose to see tiny neuances that change the nature of the subject. Hence they are often timees more adapt at analyzing the subjects unique properties. Something that the "big picture" approach sometimes lack.

On the other hand. The big picture approach will honor the interconnected nature of society. If we look at a puzzle. They act as the one piecing it together. While the others kind of get a bit too wrapped up in looking at each inidvidual piece which might seem ignorant to the outside.

Rarely do they mean to be ignorant, they may not even be misinformed. The core of this lies in how we process and sort information.

I said earlier that there are things I can't deny. Connections I can't unmake because I have this innate knowledge of cause and effect.

But at the same time I can also see how a lot of cause and effect like in physics is quite diminishing. We don't need to connect everything. We don't need to draw hard lines and borders. We don't need to set our foot down.

What we need is majority. If we think something is wrong we need to turn the tides. But to do so It's unwise to approach the world without understanding this concept which has become a cause for soo many arguments.

From now on I welcome both paths into my life. The freedom and realization that what we need is the majority of the puzzle in place, but relish in the fact that there is a acceptance for all those loose pieces and that they don't have to fit in.

Signed, Mireneye

Dedicated to Zion

A few months ago I started to seriously hang out with someone. Someone I actually never thought I'd be close to but somebody who I most definietly was interested in really getting to know.

Attraction as it were had other things in mind.

To say "it began" would be to neglect the entire history. But there's two outstanding moments to me that really started to cement this feeling.

One was sharing a movie(Many months prior) maybe I'll talk about that moment some other time, one was meeting at Hamnmagasinet randomly where we decided to hang out later that week.

I was visiting Umeå as by that time I used to live in Malmö so I was kind of on a short rope.
But we setup a day. And I was super excited.

When we met at her home, I think it's after that evening I started to sense a tingling sensation in me.

In any case.

Things went unexpectedly smooth. Next thing I know I was overcome by these profound feelings. Made aware of their prescence.

And now a few months down the line, I'm really enjoying our company. We laugh and have a lot of random fun. Dance, hug, stare into each others eyes for the longest of times and simply get a bit lost in each others company.

And today, it's her birthday. In the middle of a beutiful autumn.

While I personally don't care much for ages. The subject has become quite arcane to me. But to society there's something big going on. It's like suddenly growing an extra limb. The world opens up before you.

And so I wish to celebrate by saying:

I love this person, dare I say with passion.

"I'm in love, with the world at my feet and one foot too deep"

By that I mean to say that I'm head over heels. It's like I'm in a deep trance. You say you don't need drugs because you are drugs. And on this acid trip of awesome that you are on you've brought a passanger.

Me.

I want for you the best of days because you know what? I like you and I think you should have the best.

So today my gift to you is not a thing, it's not physical. But mental, it is more a tribute to all the awesome things we have shared so far and all the awesome things ahead.

I give to you a star. But not the kind you can see in the sky. Neither on the ceiling of my apartment.
I give you a star, It's a place that go beyond meaning and reason. It's a place for special and precious things. This star is a shared space. Whenever you want you can go there to meet me, I'll be there. I'll visit it sometimes to plant new seeds in our intergalactic garden, maybe I'll bring some garlic bread and Mojo Verde. Maybe I'll bring peace of mind.

I give you a star. Because you've become one to me.

-Mireneye

Sometimes I'm afraid

There's a great weakness inside of me. A fear deeply rooted.

It's not so much a fear of loosing something, it's not the fear of not being able to deal with life on my own.

It's the fear of making the same mistake. Over and over. The fear of not learning, the fear of ending up years down the road without having learnt a lesson or two.

It's a very real fear. I feel it gnawing inside of me when I'm at my worst. When doubt take hold of me and when whatever otherwise comforting thought runs off my body like water.

It's the fear of that dark twisted spiral in which I don't know if I'm strong enough to look at, let alone battle.

What can be done? It's one of the few things in life that has me shaken to my core. I'm afraid that even if I'm stronger now, It's not enough because it will always be there in the background. Unless I face it headfirst and defeat it.

If there's a silverlining to this post then it's in these words:

I'm here, I'm writing, I'm screaming inside. I feel silly I feel stupid. But one thing is certain. I have not given up. Giving up is something I was never good at to begin with. So there's only one way to go. I just hope I can soothe my passing somehow as I continue to tackle my inner demon.

Signed, Mireneye

Life efficiency

Ever heard the expression that the simplest explanation is most often correct? 

I hear it from time to time. But never stopped to thing "Why?". Why is it so? Is it so that we like to keep things simple? is it because the avarage human just doesn't think things through and would most likely not analyze the end result anyways and so we see no need to over complicate.

Is it because complications in and by themselves lead to confusion. Confusion leading to misunderstanding. Misunderstanding leading to bad juju.

Is it because if we complicate the required skill to perform the task at hand we set the bar to high.

Yes, yes to all of the above.

Is it because we are lazy? Nope. It's because we like to be efficient. Not everyone, but the avarage human likes efficiency.

Does the theorem then hold that "The simplest explanation is most often correct because it's the most efficient way to archive task X"

Yes, yes I would say so.

What then becomes our reasoning behind complicating life? Why do we spend so much time being inefficient with how we derive pleasure and well being from something as fundamental as being a living, eating and breathing organism?

Heck if I knew. I look at so many people, all over the world making things difficult for themselves. I do it too of course but I try to live simply so that I may simply live and so should you.

Just figure out, what do you actually need to be happy in life. Then decide how to reach it. Set a date. Not tomorrow or next week. An actual physical number.

As you go to sleep let the thought of it burn into your mind. Work towards making it real. Put at least a thought to it every day.

Don't be lazy, be efficient. Find the simplicity of living end enjoy!

Signed, Mireneye

I'm in love, With the world at my feet

I'm in love

I'm in love with a talented someone, a bright someone. A brutally honest but good natured, feet on the ground head in the clouds someone

I'm in love with a voice, a smile a touch

I'm in love with the playful games we play

And the wondrous journey we've walked

The things we've talked


I'm in love

With the curious things you say

And the curiosity we share

I'm in love

Deeply like the oldest stillsome forest

Wildly like a storm on the horizon


I'm in love

With the world at my feet

And one foot too deep


I'm in love

 And damn it feels good

Embrace me universe!

I was going to go to bed. Like four hours ago. I was going but some odd feeling kept me awake. I think a mixture of not getting 100% correct sustenance for the body in combination with a lot of screentime at the computer working on my game is having some secondary effects on me.

I guess emotionally as well there's an immense pressure that I try to manage while just throwing myself out there. Life has always panned out in some way if I just trust myself and bide my time, there's a solution waiting to be found and I'll keep looking around.

But yeah, eight or nine months back I thought I'd never say this but I kind of miss having a job. I don't miss any job per se. And I don't miss the long hours. I just long for a creative job where I can put in about three to four days a week. This longing might be a secondary effect of having no money.
I sire hope not. I don't like to think I'm motivated by money.

What motivates me then? Personal growth and gaining new abileties and experience of life. It's really that simple. Flashing money at my face doesn't work and I'm not going to sell my soul to get there.

I'll keep looking. It's out there somewhere, the greatest solution to my problems. Something that will satiate my desires.

Embrace me universe!