Abundant love(in Swedish)

Det är i sig ingen nyhet för dom som står mig närmast att jag har en relationsform som inte hör till standarden.

Men jag trodde aldrig jag skulle varit på den plats jag är idag. En plats där jag kan få så mycket njutning från alla möjliga håll och kanter när det kommer till mina nära relationer. Men så klart kommer varje unik relation med unik problematik man behöver jobba med.

Hur gör jag som flersam, när en av personerna jag är kär i så övertygat dras mot en monogam norm? Jag vill verkligen göra allt jag kan för att bemöta denna person. Men vem är jag att utmana dennes sätt att leva sitt liv på?

Men i något slags försök att va retorisk frågar jag mig.
*Vad kan jag ge dig som får dig att känna dig mer säker på våra känslor för varandra?
*Finns det något exklusivt som bara kan finnas när man är flickvän/pojkvän; Som inte finns annars?

Jag kan ge dig tid, men då vill jag ju också ha någon form av säkerhet. Vill känna trygghet i att veta vad vi bygger gentemot, gemensamt.

Det exklusiva kring flickvän/pojkväns relationer är generellt sätt saker som jag inte ser som bra uttryck av kärlek. Det subtila ägandet "Du är min" som ofta leder till en falsk idé om att vi äger varandras handlingar. "Du är min flickvän därför får du inte göra X" känns kanske bekant? Och därmed ger någon form av bestämmande rätt över den andra personen.

Det andra exklusiva är att man "lovar bort sig" till den andra. Att det bara är vi två in i oändligheten tillsammans. Det är den andra saken jag inte ser som ett uttryck av kärlek. Utan av osäkerhet. Om jag älskar någon låt hen vara fri.

För vissa personer gör dom ovanstående punkterna inget och det är ok. Jag dömer inte. Men i min situation just nu behöver jag bemöta det, och verkligen fundera över hur jag ska gå till väga.

Jag vill ha min frihet, självklart med hög respekt för alla involverade men särskilt mina närmsta. Och jag vill undvika att bli benämnd som pojkvän eller som ett par/tillsammans.

Hur går jag då tillväga för att möta dig?

Childish mind!

Hello people,

It's been a while has it not? I thought it time for a much needed update.

Life seems like a series of rhythms sometimes. Sometimes these rhythms are pleasant, sometimes less so. Right now I'm barely following the quick succsession in which everything is happening at.

Beloved friends to me have huge changes in life.

And I'm pushing hard to find the balance of destiny and work. Nestled inbetween I have the much dreaded paperwork. And honestly if there is ONE thing that keeps eating away at me it's the paperwork.

I really, really don't like paperwork.

And that's not from lack of trying. I've had plenty of chances to revisit and try to get better at it. Right now it's barely managable, as even in writing this I just know I'm two days behind on a paper I have to turn in.

I'm actually honestly not sure how I would have even survived in a pre-computer era. And I'm not sure why I can't do these things digitally in this day and age. Sigh.

The paper abovementioned is normally ok to be late with, It just means some processes will be delayed but there is no real penalty to it, other than the papers take roughly two weeks to process so it's best to do it as early as possible.

Anyhoo..

Let me tell you some things about my general mood lately. I've felt a shift in my personality for quite a while now. I've become more confident when I have energy but I have a counter reaction when I'm out of energy, sometimes. And it's become stronger over the course of a few months. And this can shift pretty easily if something influences my energy level. Like certain comments or food intake, etc.. It's odd for someone who's usually so level-headed.

Since it's me, you expect some wise or otherwise cheery silver lining to this post & I won't fail you on this account.

I see this as something positive. It's a step towards accepting emotions and widening my range of understanding.

And maybe it's simply a result of growing into a position where certain people, and certain situations around me just matter more. As my confidence grows more things are at play and I take upon myself greater tasks or ask more of myself. It's a growth I'm ready to face.

But I will not betray you childish mind. You will always be there, I will always play. But it might be time you and me both, started playing with bigger toys.

Signed,
-Mireneye

What is work doing to me?

Having a job has really called into question a lot of things about me as a person.
It's also raising a lot of thoughts in general.

Here is one of those thoughts.

 How does it make me feel? While at work it's sometimes empowering, I feel I'm helping guests have a nice experience and I can share a part of my life, laughs and experiences with my fellow workers.

But like a double edged blade it also makes me feel quite inferior. Like everyone else who overworks themselves, who tries so hard. Or those who sail through the storms with excellence and finessé has something I don't. That they are more grown up. That EVERYTHING I've ever created was just an elaborate way to avoid the unavoidable. Growing up. Or acting as such.

And that's the thing.. I don't act. Where is my sense of destiny in this petty form?

The only comfort I find is that I can tell myself at night that if I keep doing this for a few years I can be just as good as them. Just as good at fitting in with the crowd. But isn't all this just superficial? Didn't we create this system exactly to make me feel this way? To put blame on those who refuse to conform? To turn even creative minds into factories, able to produce for the sake of monetary gain. Something just as superficial as the rest of the system.

 I'm disgusted that we havn't gotten further. That we can't be more free. And I'm seriously starting to think about alternatives.

 In the long run I don't want to live my life like this.

Our bodies wither and die. We are here for a limited time. Why live this life if it can not be for your own ambitions? But then there's all the benefits that we are fed.

By having a steady income:
I'm not blamed for:
 *beeing a leech on society
 *I'm able to buy the latest games and consoles
*I'll be able to go on larger trips again.
*I have greater freedom to indulge in more diverse cultures
*I'll be able to pay fellow artists more
*I can repay the debts I owe people
*I can get a drivers license

And yes money "solves" these things. But even so I'm still not motivated by money. Money has been thrown in my face all my life but I was never susceptible to it's allure. It's hard for me to care about money that friends borrow from me, it's hard for me to care about economical paperwork like invoices. Although I take my own loans from people very seriously because I don't impose my own views on them. And finally it's hard for me to take money for jobs. Even when I look at my salery the numbers all feel fake to me. Sure the effects are real. But only because we've created this world of segregation.

I'm not sure what I can do about it. But I'd like to change something about my own life that can bring me back to my sense of destiny.

And don't take this to be simply black and white. There are shades of my destiny in everything I do. When I'm behind the bar serving drinks, when I get to interact with people who return with smiles on their faces I can see it, feel it!

But I can not and will never be motivated by money. I would rather find my destiny on the streets. And if I have to go there AGAIN, then maybe I will. But it shouldn't have to be that extreme. I'm going to carve a path into the threads of destiny. And I will cut out a piece for myself. You'll see.

Signed, Mireneye

Honesty

I'm just going to come out and set this straight. 

Sure when you are deep in love you have all those nice things raging strong inside of you. But the truth of the matter is this:

You are going to hurt someone, and that someone will hurt you back. 
And that's ok. 

Not because any of you want to hurt each other. Not because any of you deserve it. 

But because when you let someone come so close to you that they touch the essence buried beneath your skin, it stirs more than just love. It's like an awakening. As you wake up naked before the other they see you fully, and they too are open to all of you, all of your darkest emotions. They subjectify themselves to this. It's a sacrifice we make in the pursuit of love.

And that's ok. 

It's ok because we know no other way to touch so deeply. We know only how we, together can gaze at each other and be blissfull in that we can be naked together. And sometimes it's going to be ugly. Sometimes you might wonder what it's all for.

And so I remind you that you are only here, because both of you chose to go down this road together. You are only here because you wanted to be so close,

that both of your darkness become light.

Dawn of many

A lot of new developments in life recently. It is a dawn of sorts, for many a new things. Roughly one year and four months back I said that "From this grave I will forge a light to outshine the northern star."

In review of the events preceding, and the current outlook on my future I would say things are looking to be on track.

The forge is running hot. Maybe too hot sometimes, as you all may or may not know I'm the type of person who revel in the calm and slow pace of things. I have great drives but I don't mind the passage of time. I rather enjoy seeing time pass as I enjoy the harmony of the moments life presents me with.

Allow me a moment to fill you in on past, current and future events that become a conglomeration of sorts, bonding together, like rays of light shining ever brighter in their union.

There's been a bit of a shift in my relationship with my parents. And I feel much more comfortable now than ever about talking to my father. And also in relating to his past. It's really nice to be able to relate and too actually have a functioning relationship with your parents, finally. It's a weight I hardly knew I carried.

I've been actively engaged in an indie game project. I can't disclose any information. The main point is that it has seriously rekindled my interest in 2d/3d art. It's lead me to want to draw and paint more to strengthen my artistic abileties in new ways.

I'm working on an assigned group choreo for Urkult 2016. Where I will be a part of a larger ensamblé. It's the most advanced choreographed piece I've ever done with someone. I'm super exited to work with some of the best and most advanced contemporary circus/fire people in Sweden.

I'm currently working extra at Pinchos in Umeå. I've mainly worked doing the dishes which is not all that exciting. It can be full of pressuring challenges and can be a lot of work and responsebility. A restaurant simply will not work if the heart is dead. I find it a valuable experience, however I feel that bartending is where my heart is at. And I do get to stand in the bar every now and then and every time I do I feel so elevated. There's just something tantalizing about it, so for now this is where I will focus my efforts.

And perhaps one of the strongest single rays of light. The one that, when combined with the others elevate and extend them. Making just about every aspect in life seem much fuller. More complete, is the shared and open adventure between me and Zion.

In the wake of all these things I feel alive. I'm more open, vulnurable in a way but stronger in many others.

I feel like that light I sought might just have been a speck on the nightsky, a sky that I will chase from now on.

And I will not rest before the dawn of a new sun.

Signed, Mireneye

Accepting heritage

I realize I come from a family where we hold back, we persevere and tell ourselves there is nothing wrong until everything explodes.

And I never wanted any part of it. And still I became the best of the best.

I don't know exactly how but I know I kept numerous feelings and memories bottled up, all the way to around the age of 24.

This is a confession in two parts.

1, I can be quite explosive. It normally takes a lot to get there but when it does it's quite ugly. It's how I learned how to deal with things and I don't think it's very productive.

2, I'd like to be more logical, more resonable, able to listen to myself more when something is going on that I have to talk about. And I can always try but it's new to me. And when that feels to difficult at times I'll resort to what I know.

Accepting my heritage. Knowing that there's nothing wrong with my body wanting to protect me, but knowing there are better ways to do so is the way forward.

As I continue on my journey towards a better me.

Signed, 

Mireneye

A scale for reality

Some people argue that nothing is real and everything is just happening inside of our head. Some people argue differently. That things have a physical form in the world with or without us.

Some people believe variants of these two extremes. Where thoughts can in some way or shape influence our surroundings. Or that we are all a perpetuated single being splitting itself into several enteties. Only one is real the others just figments of the imagination of a mastermind creature.

What all of the above are talking about is what I will henceforth refer to as the "Scale of reality".

See I really like scales. I'd even argue that scales are the natural order of things and there exist no such thing as binary.

What I mean is that binary is simply two points along a potentially infinite scale that we extract to try to make sense of the world.

And why is this important?

Because on the "Scale of reality", going by the above mentioned logic it would make no sense for the world to exist all objectively and cold as it is.

Neither does it make sense for everything to just be subjective.

In truth, our subjective experience and deduction has to coexist alongside sensory intake.

To answer the question of where we are on this scale. First I think we need to question if we need a solid end to all answer?

Would you be ok if I told you it's dynamic. That every intelligent being on earth is in a constant battle of sorts between what is outside and what comes from within?

It's pretty widely accepted today that consciousness is always changing. The notion of "me" comes from a stream of new memories and sensations becoming old memories and sensations.

It's hard to analyze our reality without bringing our sense of ego into the picture.

What type of world does an animal without a sense of ego percierve? It will likely act according to it's biological needs and fears.

If we are truly just one being living and creating everything inside our own mind. Then for what reason was the ego created? From reason alone the ego stems from a deeper connection than that which only responds to external biological needs.

By deduction that is another reason to follow the logic that every single individual land differently on this scale.

Those who move so far, indeed that we no longer can relate to them, are seen as mad. They loose touch of our common perception of reality.

Our common percecption is different from our internal scale. It's the scale we conform to to allow ourselves to exist on the same plane of reality as everyone else.

For me personally when I go into my artistic zone. I kind of create a heterotopia where it's just me and the task at hand. Sometimes that is accopmanied by a sense of flow, however that is another topic entierly.

Arguably there is an element to flow most people don't think about. But that is the ultimate balance between what is outside and what comes from withing.

We tend to be in the mindstate where our focus is outside. What we project, what we want to show and express.

A lot of people who do drugs (I'm not advocating drugs in any way, just speculation at this point). They easily express themselves as feeling flow. Perhaps precisely because drugs can help some people dissolve the barrier in a world that favors the external reality.

But enough about flow.

And to wrap this up I urge people to explore the world within us. All to often it takes the backseat and like most things in life I think people would feel good if they moderated their reality.

It is after all, the space in which we in some form dwell.

Signed, Mireneye