The bullet

I've been haunted since childhood by something I haven't really told anyone. One could call it one of my most well kept secrets.

The reason is because I've always lacked ways to explain it and frankly nobody has ever asked or explained something similar so I have just stored the experience in mind, looking for an adequete way to explain.

Tonight I decided to just ramble it out to my mother and boy was I surprised how well the words painted the scenario.

This might sound crazy, at best it could just be a fragment of my vivid imagination that still linger inside of me. At worst this could make me sound all kinds of mental. The general feeling you have to concider when reading is that this feels like something so much more real and tangliable.

I've had this since I can remember, and it strikes me at the oddest of times at events that carry little to no correlation to each other, except being a part of everything.

One instance was when I was living in Överklinten. I was outside maybe nine years old, standing next to one of those powerlines poles and I held my hand against it's wooden surface and I was suddenly overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. They invaded in giant heaps of ambivalence in the form of sadness and happyness and a lot of other contradicting emotions.

In the same moment I felt as if I was watching the universe unfold before my eyes. The vision portrayed images that either conveyed the same feelings or perhaps these images were summoned by the feelings themselves. However I can hardly begin to ponder if the images or the feelings came first.

I saw pain and suffering. I saw people, lots and lots of different people and animals. But beyond seeing their emotions I was seeing their design... for this brief moment I could feel how small organisms worked together to make larger beings function.

I'm caught offguard by the shock and have to take a quick breath. It's over before it even really started. A glimpse of everything.

To my mother I explained it as if you took a gun loaded with cosmos and shot it through your head. As it passes your head you connect to everything, you see it all. Swiftly the bullet pushes through on the other side leaving you breathless..

And just like that, it's over.

I had one of these today which reminded me of them. I'm starting to wonder what they are and if other people have ever felt the same.

Signed, Mireneye

Scraps...

When you are like me.. largely disorganized in large quanteties of time you amount a bunch of random texts scattered throughout your phone, text documents on the computer with titles that bare no relation to the subject or with notes everywhere. In my scraps series on this blog I just type down stuff that I found while looking around.

"Remember to be god."

"All hell might break loose, but I'll be there to stop it."

"One sip will lead to more and then you are broke."

"Resourceress"

"I have no need to befall evil upon thee ... for it is said in legend that you shall perish by my hands."

"Seriously though, that thought does go through my mind."

"It's also helpful when your anger decreases the speed of light." (Quote from forum).

"Just gonna stand there and watch me turn?" (Warewolf Eminem remix).

"It's all about the flavours. A person who likes a lot of flavors has a richer experience of life."

"I'm standing in a sea of understanding, yet like Yin and Yang, I'm the spot that makes the difference"

Signed, Mireneye

Excerpt

That ghastly shriek was right there, as if sound could touch your soul.
The walls, brimming with the vibrant yet cold paint of a deadly echo.

Sentient apparitions, barely even scratching the membrane of our reality..

Driving us ever closer to the edge of our sanity...

A slice of emotion

Sometimes the smallest of things can feel like so much more.

Especially when you spend a lot of time and energy on gearing up to something only to have it backfire.

Or do I just choose another approach? oh life, handing me these choices.

Signed, Mireneye

All those beutiful things

It's like being alive.
Finally.

Not only allowing myself to feel, but to become one with my
feelings.

      .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.
           "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"

My mind has struggled for a while, unknowingly looking for something. But as you may know, when you don't know what that "something" is.. you may not know how to reach it. How far you need to go or how deep you have to dive.

I've had to dive through death and tears. And tonight it all came together as I was watching the stars on my ceiling.

Every star I have represents someone dear to me, and there will be many. I'm still in the process of putting them up. 

As I go to bed I can feel secure as my stars are watching over me.

One represents my dear mother whom I not always made justice. Her core and not what her illness has made her will always be my guiding star. I'm so happy and proud to be her son, she is at heart the most humble and kind person. Words can hardly describe how much I love her.

One represents my dad. Without his lectures and his strength I would have not have learned what it is to truly live. The spirit of our family, when we set our mind to something we can archive anything, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says. He's my hero, together he and my mom made everything possible.

My ceiling is like my heart, and in my heart there is plenty of space. 

On that canvas full of stars are also my friends who shine the brightest.

I'm now not only allowing myself to feel, but to have become one with my
feelings.

And it feels amazing to finally cry, to love and to lust.

Signed, Peter Elvin

A year of miles: In quotes

A year of miles!



"I tend to come to this point in life from time to time
and I always face the same dilemma. It is not the
darkness that scares me, actually that silent, dark
corner looks incredibly comfy and safe.

Especially compared to going out there, knowing nothin, taking a
step forward, transending your very being and as such,
becoming something greater.

An evolution of the soul."

"Don't be scared to want something and to grab it. Don't
care so much about the world around you, it will follow
or not. What matters is your own dreams and goals.
I forgot my greatness at some point.
I'm on an adventure to rekindle that flame, if you're on
that path is all up to you."

"I grew up with a christian mother and an atheist father.
So I got my share of both worlds suffice, to say I always
kind of liked the good parts that religion wants to bring
forward but I've always disliked misdirecting belief in
yourself to belive in something superficial. "


"But the plane trip home felt like it was going to kill
me. Four hours to get to Cancun, Mexico, but nine and a
half  hours to get back! This silenced my excitement for
a while until something stirred up inside of me.
A sense of destiny."


"The breeze

You are like the air I breathe, the inspiration for my soul
It is your essence from which my wind was summoned

Like the leaf I rustled your cape
You never left me on the ground

Never alone

 Like that gentle morning breeze you have blown me
blown me away with amazement

Like the leaf I am

I let the wind take me far and even further I got
But not always towards the known

Now the seed you planted
Has settled - and will grow "

"But we are wondrous machines made for great things and
great errors and I've come to always try to reserve
myself for the possebility of having cited or understood
something the wrong way. Or in some matters, being simply
misinformed or mislead. "


"I like my views like that, transcendant, always taking
new shapes. But is it not possible that you can "win" an
argument not by being correct but by being the one who
take a change of heart?
Surely that should feel just as good; but society, being
what it is has the gold, silver and bronze mentality
ingrained so heavily into our minds that equality has
deminished."

"In fuzzy logic there are calculations that do not give
exact answers. While a linear explosion would give us
predictable results an explosion made with fuzzy logic
would give us a "chance" result at the very most basic
level. Assuming everything started with an explosion of
course. This means that our path is not predestined
because we are the result of a random seed. And as long
as time is not recursive, free will most definitely
exists. "

"Then I abruptly disturb the pleasureable soundscape by
rapidly tapping out my mind onto the laptop keyboard. It
seems the only road tonight is to put my mind to rest
through the dance of my fingers.

In harmony the soundscape and the dance blend into what
can only be the very essence of my sleeplessness. An
idea."


"But what is Hexagonica? It is the beginning of a
universe. A story meant to portray a certain kind of
advent chaos that we really could never begin to
understand unless we extracted a chunk of it and present
it in chosen pieces. Reading the true "Hexagonica" story
would be the equivalent of trying to see a hypercube."


"The new me has some dark memories of things I'd rather
never had been a part of, but they are overwhelmed by the
adventure that was the relationship. In such a way I've
grown more mature and more secure in who I am.
I've learned to become a better planner, a man of more
responsibility. I've started to walk the path that I've
always felt inferior to archive.
That is a victory!"

"When your under the ice you can't always appriciate
everything on the outside. The world might seem bleak or
the seasons in your life might seem stuck on a dead and
cold winter.

But the moment you break free you realize all the beuty
and light that was right there, a bare inch from your
very being. It's even been touching you for a long time,
just.. you were simply not ready to embrace and act upon
it.

But I'm ready. I've been for a good while, just didn't
know.. didn't think I was fully entitled to this gift.
The greatest gift given by the greatest of friends. The
ability and freedom to reach and become anything I truly
set my mind to."

Signed, Mireneye

In a world of fantasy and dishes

Once upon a time there was a young boy. The young boy had an immensily powerful imagination, he had a vision and a fate that pulled at his very being.

Slowly as he has progressed through the ages, he has learned that to make imaginary things into a reality one has to work, no matter how powerful you are it all goes to a waste if you can not pass it along to others.

To share with the world, that which lingers inside.

It's like using a muscle that you've never used before.. Planning and keeping a shedule, I find a lot of the time it goes against one of the principles of fun.

But it doesn't have to be that way. For one such as myself who arguable is in control of his own destiny, I should be able to find joy in almost everything.

I know the how. But I just might need to get together with the right people, people who can give me a push now that it is needed the most.

These are things I need to do. For myself, for others.
*Need to resume writing Dynasthir, I've got the inspiration but I need some direction.
*Need to keep recording content for PlayjoyGaming and keep improving the quality.
*Need to start fleshing out one of the concept ideas for the new style poi/circus videos.
*Need to make sure Casa is looking as good as it can, got to get back to the essence of the "old days".

And before you tell me that as long as I see these as needs they will loose their sense of excitement and it will be difficult to find the urge to do them. Well I get this with poi a lot. Sometimes you have to just push through a barrier to get to the fun part. It's part of life. I need to do this to feel a sense of fulfillment from life.

I could even make a decent budget out of what I have saved at the moment.
The time should be now! but in the wake of all this I'm not feeling the pull of my destiny. Perhaps there is something that I'm missing?

Signed, Mireneye