Quote of the day

torsdag 13 oktober 2016

What is work doing to me?

Having a job has really called into question a lot of things about me as a person.
It's also raising a lot of thoughts in general.

Here is one of those thoughts.

 How does it make me feel? While at work it's sometimes empowering, I feel I'm helping guests have a nice experience and I can share a part of my life, laughs and experiences with my fellow workers.

But like a double edged blade it also makes me feel quite inferior. Like everyone else who overworks themselves, who tries so hard. Or those who sail through the storms with excellence and finessé has something I don't. That they are more grown up. That EVERYTHING I've ever created was just an elaborate way to avoid the unavoidable. Growing up. Or acting as such.

And that's the thing.. I don't act. Where is my sense of destiny in this petty form?

The only comfort I find is that I can tell myself at night that if I keep doing this for a few years I can be just as good as them. Just as good at fitting in with the crowd. But isn't all this just superficial? Didn't we create this system exactly to make me feel this way? To put blame on those who refuse to conform? To turn even creative minds into factories, able to produce for the sake of monetary gain. Something just as superficial as the rest of the system.

 I'm disgusted that we havn't gotten further. That we can't be more free. And I'm seriously starting to think about alternatives.

 In the long run I don't want to live my life like this.

Our bodies wither and die. We are here for a limited time. Why live this life if it can not be for your own ambitions? But then there's all the benefits that we are fed.

By having a steady income:
I'm not blamed for:
 *beeing a leech on society
 *I'm able to buy the latest games and consoles
*I'll be able to go on larger trips again.
*I have greater freedom to indulge in more diverse cultures
*I'll be able to pay fellow artists more
*I can repay the debts I owe people
*I can get a drivers license

And yes money "solves" these things. But even so I'm still not motivated by money. Money has been thrown in my face all my life but I was never susceptible to it's allure. It's hard for me to care about money that friends borrow from me, it's hard for me to care about economical paperwork like invoices. Although I take my own loans from people very seriously because I don't impose my own views on them. And finally it's hard for me to take money for jobs. Even when I look at my salery the numbers all feel fake to me. Sure the effects are real. But only because we've created this world of segregation.

I'm not sure what I can do about it. But I'd like to change something about my own life that can bring me back to my sense of destiny.

And don't take this to be simply black and white. There are shades of my destiny in everything I do. When I'm behind the bar serving drinks, when I get to interact with people who return with smiles on their faces I can see it, feel it!

But I can not and will never be motivated by money. I would rather find my destiny on the streets. And if I have to go there AGAIN, then maybe I will. But it shouldn't have to be that extreme. I'm going to carve a path into the threads of destiny. And I will cut out a piece for myself. You'll see.

Signed, Mireneye

onsdag 27 juli 2016

Honesty







I'm just going to come out and set this straight. 


Sure when you are deep in love you have all those nice things raging strong inside of you. But the truth of the matter is this:

You are going to hurt someone, and that someone will hurt you back. 
And that's ok. 

Not because any of you want to hurt each other. Not because any of you deserve it. 

But because when you let someone come so close to you that they touch the essence buried beneath your skin, it stirs more than just love. It's like an awakening. As you wake up naked before the other they see you fully, and they too are open to all of you, all of your darkest emotions. They subjectify themselves to this. It's a sacrifice we make in the pursuit of love.

And that's ok. 

It's ok because we know no other way to touch so deeply. We know only how we, together can gaze at each other and be blissfull in that we can be naked together. And sometimes it's going to be ugly. Sometimes you might wonder what it's all for.

And so I remind you that you are only here, because both of you chose to go down this road together. You are only here because you wanted to be so close,

that both of your darkness become light.

måndag 11 juli 2016

Dawn of many

A lot of new developments in life recently. It is a dawn of sorts, for many a new things. Roughly one year and four months back I said that "From this grave I will forge a light to outshine the northern star."

In review of the events preceding, and the current outlook on my future I would say things are looking to be on track.

The forge is running hot. Maybe too hot sometimes, as you all may or may not know I'm the type of person who revel in the calm and slow pace of things. I have great drives but I don't mind the passage of time. I rather enjoy seeing time pass as I enjoy the harmony of the moments life presents me with.

Allow me a moment to fill you in on past, current and future events that become a conglomeration of sorts, bonding together, like rays of light shining ever brighter in their union.

There's been a bit of a shift in my relationship with my parents. And I feel much more comfortable now than ever about talking to my father. And also in relating to his past. It's really nice to be able to relate and too actually have a functioning relationship with your parents, finally. It's a weight I hardly knew I carried.

I've been actively engaged in an indie game project. I can't disclose any information. The main point is that it has seriously rekindled my interest in 2d/3d art. It's lead me to want to draw and paint more to strengthen my artistic abileties in new ways.

I'm working on an assigned group choreo for Urkult 2016. Where I will be a part of a larger ensamblé. It's the most advanced choreographed piece I've ever done with someone. I'm super exited to work with some of the best and most advanced contemporary circus/fire people in Sweden.

I'm currently working extra at Pinchos in Umeå. I've mainly worked doing the dishes which is not all that exciting. It can be full of pressuring challenges and can be a lot of work and responsebility. A restaurant simply will not work if the heart is dead. I find it a valuable experience, however I feel that bartending is where my heart is at. And I do get to stand in the bar every now and then and every time I do I feel so elevated. There's just something tantalizing about it, so for now this is where I will focus my efforts.

And perhaps one of the strongest single rays of light. The one that, when combined with the others elevate and extend them. Making just about every aspect in life seem much fuller. More complete, is the shared and open adventure between me and Zion.

In the wake of all these things I feel alive. I'm more open, vulnurable in a way but stronger in many others.

I feel like that light I sought might just have been a speck on the nightsky, a sky that I will chase from now on.

And I will not rest before the dawn of a new sun.

Signed, Mireneye

måndag 20 juni 2016

Accepting heritage

I realize I come from a family where we hold back, we persevere and tell ourselves there is nothing wrong until everything explodes.

And I never wanted any part of it. And still I became the best of the best.

I don't know exactly how but I know I kept numerous feelings and memories bottled up, all the way to around the age of 24.

This is a confession in two parts.

1, I can be quite explosive. It normally takes a lot to get there but when it does it's quite ugly. It's how I learned how to deal with things and I don't think it's very productive.

2, I'd like to be more logical, more resonable, able to listen to myself more when something is going on that I have to talk about. And I can always try but it's new to me. And when that feels to difficult at times I'll resort to what I know.

Accepting my heritage. Knowing that there's nothing wrong with my body wanting to protect me, but knowing there are better ways to do so is the way forward.

As I continue on my journey towards a better me.

Signed, 
Mireneye

måndag 23 maj 2016

A scale for reality

Some people argue that nothing is real and everything is just happening inside of our head. Some people argue differently. That things have a physical form in the world with or without us.

Some people believe variants of these two extremes. Where thoughts can in some way or shape influence our surroundings. Or that we are all a perpetuated single being splitting itself into several enteties. Only one is real the others just figments of the imagination of a mastermind creature.

What all of the above are talking about is what I will henceforth refer to as the "Scale of reality".

See I really like scales. I'd even argue that scales are the natural order of things and there exist no such thing as binary.

What I mean is that binary is simply two points along a potentially infinite scale that we extract to try to make sense of the world.

And why is this important?

Because on the "Scale of reality", going by the above mentioned logic it would make no sense for the world to exist all objectively and cold as it is.

Neither does it make sense for everything to just be subjective.

In truth, our subjective experience and deduction has to coexist alongside sensory intake.

To answer the question of where we are on this scale. First I think we need to question if we need a solid end to all answer?

Would you be ok if I told you it's dynamic. That every intelligent being on earth is in a constant battle of sorts between what is outside and what comes from within?

It's pretty widely accepted today that consciousness is always changing. The notion of "me" comes from a stream of new memories and sensations becoming old memories and sensations.

It's hard to analyze our reality without bringing our sense of ego into the picture.

What type of world does an animal without a sense of ego percierve? It will likely act according to it's biological needs and fears.

If we are truly just one being living and creating everything inside our own mind. Then for what reason was the ego created? From reason alone the ego stems from a deeper connection than that which only responds to external biological needs.

By deduction that is another reason to follow the logic that every single individual land differently on this scale.

Those who move so far, indeed that we no longer can relate to them, are seen as mad. They loose touch of our common perception of reality.

Our common percecption is different from our internal scale. It's the scale we conform to to allow ourselves to exist on the same plane of reality as everyone else.

For me personally when I go into my artistic zone. I kind of create a heterotopia where it's just me and the task at hand. Sometimes that is accopmanied by a sense of flow, however that is another topic entierly.

Arguably there is an element to flow most people don't think about. But that is the ultimate balance between what is outside and what comes from withing.

We tend to be in the mindstate where our focus is outside. What we project, what we want to show and express.

A lot of people who do drugs (I'm not advocating drugs in any way, just speculation at this point). They easily express themselves as feeling flow. Perhaps precisely because drugs can help some people dissolve the barrier in a world that favors the external reality.

But enough about flow.

And to wrap this up I urge people to explore the world within us. All to often it takes the backseat and like most things in life I think people would feel good if they moderated their reality.

It is after all, the space in which we in some form dwell.

Signed, Mireneye

fredag 29 april 2016

My weaknesses

"My weaknesses are mine to conquer. Mine alone, and nobody can take that from me" - Mireneye

torsdag 21 april 2016

I just feel...

I just feel as if so much is expected of me on so many levels. I'm expected to be a friend, a teacher. I'm expected to be nice and happy because that is the way I always am. Always the optemist.

I'm expected to pay my bills, do the paperwork, look for jobs and keep up a good smile.

I expect of myself to keep giving because that is that is my path. I expect of myself to be creative, be open, be adventurous.

I expect I can take criticism. And that I can turn it into something productive.

And in all this I'm ALSO expected to plan together a flipping birthday for myself. Bleh...

I expect things to be the same, once something is steady, established and strong.. I just want it to be there, so that I too may feel that there is something there for me as well.

But I do also expect change. But not like this. I don't want to be here, I want to be in a productive space, some place where I can have some god damn peace of mind and a breather.

This too shall fall before me and I will conquer my weakness. I'm hanging on the edge extending my hand upwards, I jsut need the strength to pull myself up.

Signed, Mireneye

lördag 16 april 2016

Only forever...

"At the time, I felt that only forever is long enough" - Mireneye

måndag 21 mars 2016

When she wakes up, continuation




When she wakes up, I want her to know that she is special.
I want her to know that when she smiles, the world turns
to her like the flowers leaning towards the sun.

And that when she wakes up, all moody and tired.
It's because she's moving, always forward.
She keeps pushing the envelope of who she is
and who she can become.

I want her to know, that she's inspirational even in her weakness. That she shows
herself in ways to me, that excites me and makes me burn stronger.

And if I could decide, I want nothing short of seeing her live life
as she herself choose to live it.

And on this path I want her to know that feeling tired is ok. Feeling
confused, angry, sad, or whichever emotions deep
inside, are ok.

It's ok.

All that there is, and can be.

She should know that on her journey in the moonlit valley.
Her footsteps will never be alone.

When she wakes up.

-Mireneye

lördag 5 mars 2016

Brutalt fucking kär!

Sometimes life just feels great. Like today. Fuck yeah! I'm in love with life. And I'm just in love in general. Here take my love punch!

It's time to sleep. I love to sleep.. Sleep is like the best thing ever! Until the morning comes, then the morning will be the best thing ever.

Who am I kidding? Morning is never the best thing.
The only thing good about the morning is that it's the start of another opportunity for a new adventure.

A new opportunity to be nice and naughty.

Goodnight!

Signed, Mireneye

fredag 26 februari 2016

Dear candle


The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
– Lao Tzu

I see the snow burn. I see the snowlike candlewax melt away. I see it so clearly. How it's becoming a wildfire, almost consuming everything in it's way. But no. It doesn't. With the strength of one heart I see it turning instead, into a bonfire. A radiant light guiding the way for others who walk in darkness, alone and cold.

But sometimes the flame fades, becoming an ember waiting to ignite with passion. From the death of something beutiful something new begins. Always for as long as there is curiosity and passion.

I hope I can feed that passion, that I can stand curious together by the side of the struggling ember. Blowing new winds into the furnace of our shared life.

And when the wildfire comes, the best we can do is to be prepared. And know that it's a sign. It's a sign of a rampant will to become a bonfire. A refuge. Burning strongly, sharing it's warmth with plenty of nourishment to burn brightly.

And you are burning so brightly, dear candle.

Signed, Mireneye

tisdag 16 februari 2016

An update!

Look I know I'm not always around, I'm not always updating you on a daily.. weekly or even monthly basis.

I know I'm lagging behind in telling you your daily: "You are amazing and beutiful". I hope the memes kept you busy telling you those exact things cuz you deserve to hear it. Echoing through the internet. You are just awesome, remember that.

And while I'm at it. I could tell myself the same only.. I don't feel as if I deserve it.

What is this emptiness? Archivements in life do naught if you can not look at them with your eyes and see what good they have done. And to feel inside that all that time, all that practice all that invested energy is appreciated.

Right now I just feel underappreciated is all.

I guess I should look myself in the mirror tomorrow and tell myself that I'm amazing. That I've created this life. That I'm here, alive and kicking.

That 2016 has started out amazingly and looks like it's going to continue to be one helluva year.

But what if tomorrow the mystery still remained and all I see in the mirror when I tell myself this, is a blank face staring back? It's all empty, as if the mirror was empty.

And all I've ever done, never left a dent in the world.

All love I shared. All the things I've learned and tried to pass on. ALL of these thoughts. They will be mere bytes on the internet waiting to be erased by time.

And I will be a mere memory.

And maybe I won't even be a memory worth remembering. Worth thinking about.

Worth a damn thing.

Look, this post came out way darker than expected. That's the beuty of writing. Sometimes the unexpected feelings just come to the surface.

And I actively choose to try to share these, to let people understand that right now in life. I'm a bit frail. I'm a bit sensitive.

You might glimpse my adventure, you might glimpse me being my usual self. But just understand that I have a lot of things going on underneath.

I need to fill this void and empty space with me, myself.. My strength. I know.

Until then understanding and letting me take things slowly is the one way any of you can help me.

If I say I can't hang out, understand I need time. If I say I'd rather stay at home alone. Please understand. I'm also probably a bit sensitive to big changes in my current environment.

Bringing in things that make my day(s) more chaotic or unclear might make me really uncomfortable. But I'm working on it.

I'm on the case.. I'll be fine.

I love you.

Signed, Mireneye

tisdag 26 januari 2016

A new year, a new adventure!

I guess I havn't actually written much here lately.

Maybe because my life has been busy otherwise. Maybe I just havn't had time to transcribe my world into words for a while.

Between love and ambitions I don't have too much time to just sit down and you know, dictate my daily life.

In any case, hello! Hey! I'm still here, still kicking. I hope you didn't worry about me.

How about I share some news about what's going on in my life, so that I can leave you all with a clear conscience for a few months? Sounds good?

I'll be right back here if something really emotional happens. I usually do!

Here we go, 2016.
*February: I'll be a judging, teaching & perfoming at FAW
*March: I want to go to Stockholm for an event
*Urkult 2016 in August
*I'll be dedicating a lot of free time to work on Dynasthir (Writing the world and making the game)
*I'll be dedicating a lot of free time to practicing Poi, and hopefully more Dragon Staff!
*Keeping a lookout for a suitable occupation, as always
*On a lookout for appropriate dance classes!
*Level up,
*Adventure!
*Pause life to play Dark Souls III

Signes, Mireneye