Consequences

I'm so tired of being sorry. So I decided not to be.

Instead I have to live with my consequences. And know that if things do not change then there will be even more consequences. And I'm tired from battling them as they appear before me.

The answer should simply be to stop being so stupid. But it's not that easy. It's like asking a raindrop to return to the clouds; It's not what they do. Unless they get help from the sun. And like that drop of rain I also need my guiding light.

Signed, Mireneye

I'm awesome!

(Had to review my life and take a look at what I have archived so far. This is totally my own ego boost but to some this might be a fun read. Oh and do listen to the music in the video above. It's appropriate!)

I've spread happiness and I have cared for others, even at the expense of who I am. A mistake I tend to do again and again and sometimes it hurts but at least I know I did something good. Even the smallest appreciation is a telltale sign that I did a differance.

I have fought time. Chasing the clock around the world to make it in time for a fire show in San Francisco. I've slept inside of a wooden skating structure in Umeå in plus two to five degrees celcius.

I've travelled to places friends dream of visiting. I've been stuck in the US without knowing how to get home. I've lived an adventurous life.

An old teacher told me when I was young that I would never become anything in my life. But I have lived with every breath and I have become so much more then I could ever imagine.

I've learned to move like a dancer when in my school days I couldn't even walk like my own kind.

I finished school even if I have always hated it more then pretty much anything else. For me there is only one true teacher and that is experience through living.

In my later days I fell in love and was able to melt the ice from her frozen heart. I even got to see the true person behind all of her scars. Something she didn't think was possible and something I'm very happy and proud of.

And I've loved. Ooh have I loved so passionately so creatively; In darkness, in candle light. And many other ways.

By harnessing the potential of the human body I have become more understanding, wiser, wilder. More mature and talented.

I've stood alone on stage performing with my own skills. People cheering for me, clapping their hands. I can hardly understand what greatness I have reached. What talent I have.

My goodness how I have grown.
More open, more fearless and more decisive.
More structured and planning yet more chaotic.

There is always much to learn but I have happiness in my life and I have goals. I have the entire world as my adventuring ground and nothing can stop me from doing what I want.

But no matter how awesome I am or how much the universe aligns with my luck; I can only move forward living with the consequences of my past actions. There is no going back, no regrets. No previous save points.

In the end I'm only one person looking for somebody to share my adventures with.
One fucking awesome person!

Signed, Mireneye

Justified punishment

Sometimes life just doesn't add up. You think your making progress? you think that your doing good but in fact the very moment you make a step in the wrong direction; Your back to square minus ten.

I don't believe I did anything wrong. I'm however not innocent. What then can I be accused for? You can accuse me of having feelings, of being human. You can accuse me of being me. But it makes no differance.

This is just who I am and that is not going to change.
What will change is my understanding of how you work and my respect for what it means.

Listening to my feelings really mess things up these days and it's not that I lost reason. It's simply because I stopped listening to it for a moment.

This is my crime.

A moment of weakness in what is otherwise becoming a robust wall.
Do you punish weakness?

Sounds wise, yet bullshit.

Earth

Wishes are for people void of reason
Hard work for the ones in possesion of monumental hearts
Together they perfect the puzzle that is mother earth

This kind of crap is stuff I can come up with all day. But I'm intrested. Could you find a meaning behind these words? Because I sure as hell don't understand the point that the words are trying to convey. Either it's really smart or stupid.

I call bullshit.

What is your call?

Maybe if you happen to be smoking something it would make sense?

Signed, Mireneye

Sick again?

This time shit is for real!

Woke up this morning at around nine with a severely sore throat and zero energy. Slept some more, drank some water and now i'm feeling "ok".

My head hurts slightly, my nose is running a fair bit. So what do I do to entertain myself?
Take some pictures.

Here is one of them:


Signed, Mireneye

Return to slumber

I'm sorry.

Sorry that I lost my way. The way of the man I used to be. However I'm thankful that I've been on this wonderful journey.

It was a journey that went stright into my heart but also a journey that ripped it apart ferociously almost mercilessly. For a while I had everything I ever wanted but it only took a slight misstep to put it all in a dark downwards spiral that consumed me almost fully.

I'm lucky that I got out.

Actually luck probably played a very small role. I'd like to think that I had some moments where I was actually acting pretty strong and calm but not many. The absolutely most extraordinary feat was how well my better half played her role. And I will always be thankful for her wisdom.

She entered my life and swept the carpet away from under my feet and I fell. I fell so hard I could hardly control my initial feelings. So eager to learn everything about her and too enchanted by her smile and her being, those wonderful lips. So enchanted that I, even too this day hardly remember a fraction of everything she told me.

And I hoped yet could never believe that she would fall under my spell like she had unknowingly enchanted me with hers.

But she did.
(With some initial scepticism I might add)

And as such began the best spring and summer of my life.

We lived together under her roof, we supported each other. I took care of her in every way I could imagine. She loved me with her ever-so-clever attention to things I say and things I like or want. And my love grew stronger and It's silly but love is a drug. It's indeed so sweet that some people just can't handle it.

And that is also where things started to go wrong. When I meant well but I couldn't see my faults because I was blinded by my own feelings.

It has taken me months to understand. And it's partially because of her that I did. She's my sensei in many things and I can only hope I can be in her prescence to learn from her. In her shadow I have grown more mature and more wise.

The knowledge I gained did not come at a cheap price. It also taught me how cruel and dark the world can be sometimes. It woke me up.

It woke me up to both horrible revelations and beautiful ones at the same time.

Which brings me back to the start of this post. The reason I write is because I feel I really lost a big part of my self in these months that I have become accustomed to emotional and physical loneliness.

The part I lost is the beauty of who I am. The person I was before and while I was in a relationship.

Its time I embraced both of my sides and become whole once again. Welcome the part of me who realized the true face of reality. The awakened. Welcome the loving, caring and understanding and well versed gentleman that I am.

Tonight I feel whole.

I listened to the song linked above to remind me again and again a thousand times to let her have her time and not too contact her. Too me it symbolizes letting my feelings rest and letting my mind rest from having thoughts of her.

And like I agreed with her I return now, to slumber, awaiting Thursday.

Signed, Mireneye

The spirit on the inside

This is a recap of a wonderful weekend.

Switching around my work schedule enabled me to go to the event I had planned weeks ago, the clubnight Tompe le monde.

After leaving work and coming home i switched into topgear and started hyping with music, taking a shower anddressing up for the night and making sure everything was perfect. Then I made my way swiftly to the pre-party at a friends house on the other side of town. We had some fun with drinking games and laughed. I used my mental intuition to get an edge in the game however the other smart players were great competition and I think in the end it was a pretty even game.

When we arrived outside of Tromp le monde, the two of us me and one of the guys who were at the pre-party climbed over the fence. Because it looked like a fun thing to do then we proceeded to the area where they let people inside.

Beeing on the list (thanks to Skäggulken himself) me and my friend were let inside no problemo. The most curious thing was that my friend was just accepted without further ado. Really neat.

Inside I went into party mode! Talked to lots of girls, haf lots of fun. One girl recognized me from Subway where i had commented on the sandwhich she was getting for herself. Sweet girl, wonder if I will meet her again someplace, sometime. Umeå is big, but it aint that big.

I went outside to say goodbye to some friends and then I was not allowed inside again. WTF? 25-30 minutes left and I can't come inside? I didn't appear that drunnk to them I'm certain of that. More people were also getting rejected. However when one of the guards moved away to do something else I snuck in anyhow ^^ I'm so evil sometimes.

When the night was wrapping up I was dancing around before the dj booth and hung out a bit with a girl who is also like me a fire/light/contemporary circus artist. Crazy ^^ I could really feel in my body afterwards that I party hard.

The night ends with me feeling pretty damn whoozy walking without a real idea if I'm walking in the right direction. But hey? I'm always able to find my way home. After a while my head clears up enough and I contact some friends. One of my drivers has already made her way home and I'm kind of down to the only option for me. Which is walking.

Another friend was able to pursuade me into taking a taxi to her place so we could both get some food. At this point I realized that I hadn't eaten today because I had been so focused on planning for the night that I forgot. So food sounded like an excellent idea.

Had a real pleasant talk, ate really good food. Got hit in the head with a frying pan. The usual stuff.

After that there aint much more to tell. I spent the night there, sleeping for an hour before I had to wake up and go to work. Haha. A plan of my own awesome design.

After a day of work I could finally come home realizing.. damn. Now that I'm free from work, I'm getting sick. Coughing and feeling really sore in my body.

And that's what I've been feeling all day. Only now letting up a little bit.

Signed, Mireneye