Return to slumber

I'm sorry.

Sorry that I lost my way. The way of the man I used to be. However I'm thankful that I've been on this wonderful journey.

It was a journey that went stright into my heart but also a journey that ripped it apart ferociously almost mercilessly. For a while I had everything I ever wanted but it only took a slight misstep to put it all in a dark downwards spiral that consumed me almost fully.

I'm lucky that I got out.

Actually luck probably played a very small role. I'd like to think that I had some moments where I was actually acting pretty strong and calm but not many. The absolutely most extraordinary feat was how well my better half played her role. And I will always be thankful for her wisdom.

She entered my life and swept the carpet away from under my feet and I fell. I fell so hard I could hardly control my initial feelings. So eager to learn everything about her and too enchanted by her smile and her being, those wonderful lips. So enchanted that I, even too this day hardly remember a fraction of everything she told me.

And I hoped yet could never believe that she would fall under my spell like she had unknowingly enchanted me with hers.

But she did.
(With some initial scepticism I might add)

And as such began the best spring and summer of my life.

We lived together under her roof, we supported each other. I took care of her in every way I could imagine. She loved me with her ever-so-clever attention to things I say and things I like or want. And my love grew stronger and It's silly but love is a drug. It's indeed so sweet that some people just can't handle it.

And that is also where things started to go wrong. When I meant well but I couldn't see my faults because I was blinded by my own feelings.

It has taken me months to understand. And it's partially because of her that I did. She's my sensei in many things and I can only hope I can be in her prescence to learn from her. In her shadow I have grown more mature and more wise.

The knowledge I gained did not come at a cheap price. It also taught me how cruel and dark the world can be sometimes. It woke me up.

It woke me up to both horrible revelations and beautiful ones at the same time.

Which brings me back to the start of this post. The reason I write is because I feel I really lost a big part of my self in these months that I have become accustomed to emotional and physical loneliness.

The part I lost is the beauty of who I am. The person I was before and while I was in a relationship.

Its time I embraced both of my sides and become whole once again. Welcome the part of me who realized the true face of reality. The awakened. Welcome the loving, caring and understanding and well versed gentleman that I am.

Tonight I feel whole.

I listened to the song linked above to remind me again and again a thousand times to let her have her time and not too contact her. Too me it symbolizes letting my feelings rest and letting my mind rest from having thoughts of her.

And like I agreed with her I return now, to slumber, awaiting Thursday.

Signed, Mireneye