Midnight madness

Well my friends, I have finally gotten back to my old rhythm in life, being awake all night, sleeping most of the day.

The only issue is that several activities that I partake in have their times placed during daytime and some of them are out of my ability to change, others are.

And so, I guess the only logical thing is to try to change what I can to accommodate, because I'm feeling incredible getting back into my rhythm again ^^

That being said, I'm unsure how I should tackle tomorrow. My appointment at the dentist starts in about three hours, I'm going to mostly fall asleep in the chair. In fact I might NEED to because I should stream games at 13:00.

Scratch that, I moved the time to 14:00 to give me some leeway. The good thing with being your own boss (chuckles).

I wish I could sit down right now and just go insane with creativity because I'm in that precise mood, alas I can't do to much noise during night.

I guess I should find a decent anime I can get lost in for some time. Any advice?

Signed, Mireneye

What's on my mind?

I've come to understand that there's a strong link between when I write at the blog and when I feel emotional in some way. As I can most often not get the answers I'm looking for when I turn to people. People are simplistic in how they offer their help and most people do not seem to understand me and what makes me tick. What is internal for me to feel motivated. And lately the people I've tried to talk to have just been.. unavailable at the right time which sucks ass.

Recently I've spent a lot of time everyday working on a project I believe in. I even got the support of others, to work in a team, something I promised myself I wouldn't do because of all of my previous bad experience of working in a team, but knowing who I am I'd like to someday push through and become a better team-player.

I've had the fortune to work with some awesome people and now good friends. I could not have hoped for a better start.

But here is where things cross a silver lining and makes a turn for a more emotional ride.

I don't know what I'm doing or how long the motivation will keep up. I feel the chaos inside me trying to regain control every so often, it beckons me to let go, take a break.

But that is not my way. If contemporary circus and gaming ever taught me one thing is that when you push yourself hard, even when it's not fun, then you are on the verge of new discoveries and becoming better.

Progress is not always fun but working with the new-found abilities you gained from the struggle is priceless.

But now, every time I've denied myself to let things go for a while the urge has gone away only to return stronger then before.

I have so many things I want to do and prioritizing (which has been my savior thus far) does not seem to work any more. I've just bitten of to many fruits at the same time, and pretty hefty chunks at that.

With that being said. First on my list is to have a meeting with the Playjoy crew and talk to them proper about where I am in life right now and what we will make of Playjoy, moving forward.

I think this is my resolve. I'm not stopping but the plan has to be remastered so that the vision and idea can live on. In general more room for the integral chaos of my being to be satisfied because I've grown quite tired of structure and I can slowly see how it's falling apart and how it affects me.

There is a balance, and right now I'm about to fall off one side. But being on the verge has taught me lots of things and hopefully I can keep applying them in the future and keep pushing myself.

While being mindful that one of my greatest weaknesses in recent memory is that I don't know how much I can do before I start becoming emotional and start wavering with my resolve.

Most days I just stop moping around and start being awesome. Even that get's taxing after a while when you have to get through that mental state a few times a day.

I hope you will understand.

Signed, Mireneye

New beginnings!

A lot of things have happened.

Last time I wrote I was still getting used to a new lifestyle, one that favors even more control than chaos. A style I have now seemingly gotten used to.

I find myself planning some chaos into my life and finding just how hilarious it actually sounds. I mean... who plans for chaos? In any case, it's just the way things have fallen into place.

Is it perhaps true that the wiser you grow the more you realize experience only comes from doing things and there are only a few ways to optimize the way we live so that we can do as many things as possible?

If that is true then I have been immensily busy.

I have almost finished the first version of Dynasthir. I have pulled together Playjoy into something bigger than myself and hence destroyed the barrier between me and working with people.

I have taken my first steps in juggling and as such also started touching on juggling three poi, something my mind had foolishly accepted as something I would not get into but what can I say? I'm just to damn fascinated with those damn balls on strings, I love them to death!

I also have more or less pulled together a meeting betweeen photographer and contemporary circus artists. We will see exactly what fruits this meeting will bare within the month, but I'm kind of proud that I've been able to take such tasks upon myself and pull through with them. It's one thing to live for yourself and do your thing, it is quite another to learn to live and deal with people.

In a day from now I'll get my salery. And not long after that I will get even more monetary stability from two other sources. And so my options will soon start to open up before me. Something I have dearly missed in my life for a while now.

However that sacrifice was my own choice for wanting to go on an adventure and I take full responsibility for it.

Anyhoo! The only thing I look back at and see that I have missed out on is hanging out with some of my dearest and closest friends. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to try to change that.

Good morning everyone, new beginnings have arrived!

Signed, Mireneye

I'm whining and I hate it! I'm hating the order but it's the lesser evil...

I won't neglect that I've been in a type of darkness for a while.

I've been holding it off for a pretty good while, it begins with a lot of built up tension and knowledge. Knowledge that life is slowly catching up to me.

Sometimes in life you are ahead. Ecomically you are fine, you have lots of energy and you dispense it wisely. Socially you are given as much if not more energy then you yourself give others.

Other times you are far behind. I feel most people are just taking from me. I feel it at home, at work. I feel it from some of my projects. The few sources I have, even if they are good sources does not hold me steady.

Even if I just had a "vacation" with hotel and everything and I fully enjoyed it, make no mistake. The moment I returned I was just as exhausted as when I left because essentially nothing had changed.

There is only one way to get back on your feet and that is to learn to stand up again. I have employed a few things to help me get back on my feet. When I come home tomorrow I hope with every fiber of my body I will have enough energy to pull through with it.

But truly I just want to lie down and die, and do nothing and let the world pass for an undefined period of time...

But I'd hate to see the all that time wasted. See every where I turn. Every solution is a lesser evil. When the truth is I just want to get back to my creative and free self but there is very few things that can archive greatness through full freedom as projects tend to require a certain amount of order.

Especially with other people involved.

I need to reach that state of "awesome" again. To become one with the wavelength of life. To find the rhythm that defines me.

Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part three (End)

Night had fallen upon LA, Sky took a power-nap so that he would be able to go on for the rest of the night with the six hour drive from LA all the way to Sacramento.

I made sure that I had packed everything. No point in leaving things behind since, being who I am I might decide to do something else after Firedrums.

Half an hour passes and Sky wakes up from the alarm, it's time. We loaded the car and swiftly made our way to Tammys place. We had preplanned to share the ride with her and share the cost for gas, after we had stuffed our stuff into her car we were off, soon leaving LA behind.

Even if I slept most of the time the ride felt pretty slow to me. Almost comparable to my 16 hour flight. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe just my general low energy. Even if you are able to correct the jetlag during a day it takes time for the body to find a natural rhythm, suffice to say I was pretty beat.

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What I meant by writing final in the title is that the LA chronicles is now over for now. There will most likely be a few more posts in the future. The next post, or posts will cover firedrums in as much vibrant glory as I can muster. 

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Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part two

There I was...

In that familiarly unpleasant space. Space in all it's forms, the choking cold and lonely vastness only this is a cityscape, not space. And not as empty.

Knowing this, I looked at what I knew and improvised from there on. I was able to get a hold of Wifi so that I could contact my host, luckily he was online. We talked a little bit and I got his full adress, something I should have asked of before.

Tired as I was, I looked at my options. I COULD try to figure out the busses and the metro but I was mentally worn out from the flight, so I decided to take the number one tourist trap, a cab.

Turned out to be a quite expensive trip but it was well worth it.

My host welcomed me with a hug and quickly got me something good for the stomach among other things a noodle soup that was quite excellent!

After settling in I decided to sleep outside on the patio (I'll post some pictures later).
The next day was mostly spend settling in and getting to know the place and figuring things out for the trip to Firedrums.

By nightfall we made our way(quite a long way) in his car to one of the spinjams, only stopping for some mexican tacos. At the spinjam I met up with a friend and made a few new ones. And I also got to spin fire for the first time in a long time, always nice to get into the element. A neat little spiral wrap left me with a burn mark on my right hand.. A burn mark I find myself missing sometimes.

After spending the next morning figuring out that charging my small action cam was pretty much a no go my host was friendly enough to lend me his bike so that I could go to a hardware store and also to do some errands for him.

And since I got back all we've been up to is preparing for FD.

Sorry if this post lacked a bit of finesse that I usually put into these texts. I'm trying to be time efficient seeing as we will be leaving soon.

Oh.. yeah! I got a notebook so that I could puzzle together something nice for you in the next one! So look forward to that.

Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part one

I'm typing this off my phone so bare with me.

Travelling scares me, but no, not in any normal sense. Not in the oh I'm going to die, get robbed or loose all my money way. Neither does not knowing what to do next scare me. No. What scares me is time.

All that blank space that needs to be filled, correction. You are forced to fill, if you don't; you will be left with a sore behind and a profound deprivation of interaction.

So what do I do to quench this inner desire of mine to pass time quickly? You could be lucky like me and end up with a nice Swedish dude who you can converse and make jokes with most of the trip. The rest of the time I spent with my backup plan, aka the psvita.

When I arrived in LA I realized I had forgotten to figure out how to call people, the neccesary country codes and what not. So for the third time in my life, I'm stranded at an airport.

Suffice to say, I've been there before.