I'm sure you also have had that tv-show, movie, book, manga or perhaps game where you reach the end and all you obsess about for days on end is how you are left feeling 'empty'.
Some of it is because they leave us without any real closure. Some of it is because we became so attacthed to it that we have a hard time letting go.
As a stage performer, writer and game designer this is a property I've always loved but very rarely thought about. I very rarely reflected over what lies at the core of making something truly settle in the minds of people.
That feeling of not being able to wait for the next episode.
The void of a season brake.
A book with many loose ends.
Or even a song you have stuck on repeat because, damnit one playthrough is not just enough. Give me the hour long version.
And while to many it's excruciating it is a true testament to the impact these things can have on our daily lives.
The moments of emptiness is defining us.
There is simple elegance. It's not just time invested, it's mind & heart invested. And it is that simple elegance that I want to employ in my life moving forward.
Signed, Mireneye
tisdag 23 september 2014
onsdag 3 september 2014
THANK YOU! CONTENT CREATORS!
As I'm sitting down tonight to watch some youtube videos, listen to some pay your own price albums from sources around the internet, while eating away at cheap yet superb ice cream I can't help but marvel at how much we have at our disposal today for so little.
I could go on and let this post focus on the negative aspect, of always wanting more but no..
Tonight is for being thankful, tonight is for saying "Thank you everyone who's ever created anything that I've ever enjoyed".
You inspire, create and share. You touch and let others tag along on your journey. You've shared a part of your life.
My deepest most profound thanks.
Signed, Mireneye
I could go on and let this post focus on the negative aspect, of always wanting more but no..
Tonight is for being thankful, tonight is for saying "Thank you everyone who's ever created anything that I've ever enjoyed".
You inspire, create and share. You touch and let others tag along on your journey. You've shared a part of your life.
My deepest most profound thanks.
Signed, Mireneye
lördag 2 augusti 2014
Life altering changes ahead!
There's
a grand polarity in my character. While one side favors logic, the
other favors chaos. Further more, one favors adventure and the other
favors security.
Maybe humans are kind of like that, we are like a set of complex scales, our character is defined by how we weigh the different values in our own mind.
Some claim characteristics can be influenced greatly by environment. Perhaps then it isn't so odd that I have had a sense of security that I've dearly preserved. I've had a steady job with a steady income, I've had a close connection to my beloved mother. But all that comes at a pretty high price. I've had to conform more and more every year to society. I've had to bend myself to their rules instead of my own. I've had to sit in meetings listening to sheep, being herded into a comfortable and profitable system for society.
And I can't take it. And no I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm burnt out. Of FUCKING course I am. I'm surprised so many endure this bullshit.
I've talked before about carving my own path. It's meaning has mostly applied to situations that change how you think on a day to day basis. Today let's talk about carving a path that will change things on a much greater scale.
Some might call me crazy for making a philosophical debacle about something as simple as moving. Let them. We all have different values on scales to consider.
I have to value how much I will miss my mother and my father. How much I will miss my friends, the stars on my sky. How much I will miss the weekly thursday practice or simply seeing familliar faces when I ride the local buss.
I'm moving from the far north of Sweden to almost the edge of the map to the south. To help my brother build his and his fiancés house while I live there (for "free") and focus on turning my artistry into a line of work. This means LOADS of free time for my own projects and it unlocks much easier access to the world. This is an option that my character just can't deny or turn away from. It HAS to be explored. It calls my name.
I fear but a handful of things. I fear what will become of my dear mother, and what will become of my matchup with a local magician. I fear things I have worked hard to build will simply dissapear, like tears in rain.
And so I've asked myself over and over what I value highest. Taking a step forward into the unknown or find comfort in the security I've become a part of. The answer would be simple if I knew I was the only one affected by it. Alas those simple days when all I cared about was myself are long gone. At some point I've realized that a warm heart to touch people is the vessel through which they touch you.
To my friends and family for warming my heart. For bringing me courage to pursue my sense of destiny. I love you, deep and dear. You are eternally with me.
Signed, Mireneye
Maybe humans are kind of like that, we are like a set of complex scales, our character is defined by how we weigh the different values in our own mind.
Some claim characteristics can be influenced greatly by environment. Perhaps then it isn't so odd that I have had a sense of security that I've dearly preserved. I've had a steady job with a steady income, I've had a close connection to my beloved mother. But all that comes at a pretty high price. I've had to conform more and more every year to society. I've had to bend myself to their rules instead of my own. I've had to sit in meetings listening to sheep, being herded into a comfortable and profitable system for society.
And I can't take it. And no I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm burnt out. Of FUCKING course I am. I'm surprised so many endure this bullshit.
I've talked before about carving my own path. It's meaning has mostly applied to situations that change how you think on a day to day basis. Today let's talk about carving a path that will change things on a much greater scale.
Some might call me crazy for making a philosophical debacle about something as simple as moving. Let them. We all have different values on scales to consider.
I have to value how much I will miss my mother and my father. How much I will miss my friends, the stars on my sky. How much I will miss the weekly thursday practice or simply seeing familliar faces when I ride the local buss.
I'm moving from the far north of Sweden to almost the edge of the map to the south. To help my brother build his and his fiancés house while I live there (for "free") and focus on turning my artistry into a line of work. This means LOADS of free time for my own projects and it unlocks much easier access to the world. This is an option that my character just can't deny or turn away from. It HAS to be explored. It calls my name.
I fear but a handful of things. I fear what will become of my dear mother, and what will become of my matchup with a local magician. I fear things I have worked hard to build will simply dissapear, like tears in rain.
And so I've asked myself over and over what I value highest. Taking a step forward into the unknown or find comfort in the security I've become a part of. The answer would be simple if I knew I was the only one affected by it. Alas those simple days when all I cared about was myself are long gone. At some point I've realized that a warm heart to touch people is the vessel through which they touch you.
To my friends and family for warming my heart. For bringing me courage to pursue my sense of destiny. I love you, deep and dear. You are eternally with me.
Signed, Mireneye
måndag 23 juni 2014
The human machine
What are the differances between us and machines? Where most AI's if they would "break" would result in a complete mess because of the steady base it is built upon, a human when it "breaks" mentally it can go any which way but all of them are things that A, He can develop and learn from. B, He can be broken down and changed drastically from or C, He can completely push away, ignore and seal away with the rest of the memories.
All of these are based on the human need for self preservation. Does that mean that the difference between us and machines are the "self"?
But then what is the "self" I touched on this subject many times before. The essential idea I've come too are twofold.
1, The self is the amount of experience and memories accumulated to this exact point in time.
2. The self is a mirror of everything around you.
The difference of the two are simply the point of view. In one we assume "we" amount experience, "we" accumelate memories. Which is a part of the solution.
The second doesn't need us. It creates us from everything around us.
Both of these are flawed without each other. 1, needs 2 to recieve input. 2 needs 1 to act on the input it gives, or it bares no significance.
Biologically our basis is to act upon input. It's how we adapt, how we learn and how we evolve. That is if you go by the Darwinistic world view of evolution. If not, It's not hard to argue that even if evolution is not a part of this then we still adhere to a biological basis of input - review and action.
The difference in how we work in comparison to machines seem to be how we break mainly. Like I mentioned above.
You can easily draw comparisons like: Machines and Humans both needs power. True, but it's significant to think about HOW these systems work on a lower conceptual level. Humans recieve energy more or less in tandem with nature. We translate sunlight, food, etc.
In some ways humans are almost badly programmed machines. We have high level understanding of "Oh I'm feeling sick" but we don't know why. While a machine could likely by todays standard always track what is wrong.
It could be in this area, the mist of meta-knowledge created by very high level interpretations of the mind and it's memories and experiences that the "self" is actually created.
And as long as machines don't share the same neural mess which both makes humans hard to break completely (except on the biological level) but rather logical machines without fuzzy error handling that sometimes even defy logic I think it becomes clear.
How machines act is not a result of their own memories or experiences at the moment and so, high level fuzzy interpretations are not really possible, not in the conventional human sense if we don't change something fundemental in how machines work.
-Mireneye
All of these are based on the human need for self preservation. Does that mean that the difference between us and machines are the "self"?
But then what is the "self" I touched on this subject many times before. The essential idea I've come too are twofold.
1, The self is the amount of experience and memories accumulated to this exact point in time.
2. The self is a mirror of everything around you.
The difference of the two are simply the point of view. In one we assume "we" amount experience, "we" accumelate memories. Which is a part of the solution.
The second doesn't need us. It creates us from everything around us.
Both of these are flawed without each other. 1, needs 2 to recieve input. 2 needs 1 to act on the input it gives, or it bares no significance.
Biologically our basis is to act upon input. It's how we adapt, how we learn and how we evolve. That is if you go by the Darwinistic world view of evolution. If not, It's not hard to argue that even if evolution is not a part of this then we still adhere to a biological basis of input - review and action.
The difference in how we work in comparison to machines seem to be how we break mainly. Like I mentioned above.
You can easily draw comparisons like: Machines and Humans both needs power. True, but it's significant to think about HOW these systems work on a lower conceptual level. Humans recieve energy more or less in tandem with nature. We translate sunlight, food, etc.
In some ways humans are almost badly programmed machines. We have high level understanding of "Oh I'm feeling sick" but we don't know why. While a machine could likely by todays standard always track what is wrong.
It could be in this area, the mist of meta-knowledge created by very high level interpretations of the mind and it's memories and experiences that the "self" is actually created.
And as long as machines don't share the same neural mess which both makes humans hard to break completely (except on the biological level) but rather logical machines without fuzzy error handling that sometimes even defy logic I think it becomes clear.
How machines act is not a result of their own memories or experiences at the moment and so, high level fuzzy interpretations are not really possible, not in the conventional human sense if we don't change something fundemental in how machines work.
-Mireneye
fredag 30 maj 2014
Philosophy of passion
Spinning brings us closer to ourselves. The practice of control of the human body has always been something sought by by people through dance, martial arts, circus, acrobatics.
But how does the prop actually change anything? An extra limb, something external to learn how to control perhaps? I believe one of the most important aspects it adds is a clever feedback system.
But then is it the prop that gives us something or is it us, observing our movement with it?
No it's an exchange. An exchange between us and something inanimate.
And so it doesn't only bring us closer to ourselves, it also brings us closer to everything around us.
Understanding the world perhaps not only for what it is physically or mathematically, but what it feels like. What it looks like.
Along with our passion for the art, sparks a passion for the world. And we learn to understand others through that same passion.
But how does the prop actually change anything? An extra limb, something external to learn how to control perhaps? I believe one of the most important aspects it adds is a clever feedback system.
But then is it the prop that gives us something or is it us, observing our movement with it?
No it's an exchange. An exchange between us and something inanimate.
And so it doesn't only bring us closer to ourselves, it also brings us closer to everything around us.
Understanding the world perhaps not only for what it is physically or mathematically, but what it feels like. What it looks like.
Along with our passion for the art, sparks a passion for the world. And we learn to understand others through that same passion.
onsdag 28 maj 2014
The state of Playjoy
Some of you may know of my project Playjoy, some of you may not.
A few months back Playjoy only had two active broadcasters, the vision drifted because activity of the channel dwindled. Eventually one of the two remaining broadcasters could not stream any longer because of hardware issues.
And so I, Mireneye or Solexive as most on twitch may know me was left alone. This was the case for some time but we did have a few sporadic appearances from some of our casters. But in essence, I've spearheaded Playjoy for quite some time, more or less on my own. (Always with the support of viewers of course <3 br="">
On one of our team meetings way back I voiced that during summer I will not be streaming as much. I will spend my time practicing contemporary circus on the beach, traveling and enjoying adventures outside of the digital world.
This doesn't mean that there won't be Playjoy broadcasts but I personally WILL deviate from the conventional schedule. I will however respect the schedule if ANY of our broadcasters has a time on it but you will likely NOT be able to find my time there 'til a few minutes or maybe an hour before my own broadcasts.
I hear you are all questioning "When is summer?" & "When will you be back?" My plan at the moment is to wrap up my current games. We might be looking at a start of my "vacation" in about a month. So in July. The current plan is to start with me going to Camp Burn Yourself 2014 in Sweden and then go to European Juggling Convention 2014. My plans may still change but if that happens we are looking at a time-frame of a start of my absence, It should begin around 13 or 14th of July.
As for when I'll be back. Likely within a month after that but I can't say. August sometime perhaps.
Finally I want to explain to everyone why my casts are so inconsistent in energy level and engagement. My work recently switched from a consistent work seven days a week and then have seven days off to where I work one day, i have two off. work three days on the weekend, have four days off, one day work etc, etc, etc. This really does not work well with my way of life and conflicts a lot with my sleeping habits. Some days I sleep three hours... and others I just can't get up and end up sleeping for like twelve hours. I'm sorry you really do deserve a more consistent broadcast. Seeing as you put away other things to hang out on Playjoy. It is something I can't give you and I don't hold it to you if you can't be there. Now that my broadcasts will become more sporadic. I will 'try' to keep to the schedule whenever I can. But I can not promise consistency at this time in my life.
Thank you all for the incredibly journey so far as we continue our journey together to grow a loving and caring community, a channel with great content in the pursuit of the elusive partnership while keeping in mind to "Play & Enjoy"
Signed, Mireneye
A few months back Playjoy only had two active broadcasters, the vision drifted because activity of the channel dwindled. Eventually one of the two remaining broadcasters could not stream any longer because of hardware issues.
And so I, Mireneye or Solexive as most on twitch may know me was left alone. This was the case for some time but we did have a few sporadic appearances from some of our casters. But in essence, I've spearheaded Playjoy for quite some time, more or less on my own. (Always with the support of viewers of course <3 br="">
On one of our team meetings way back I voiced that during summer I will not be streaming as much. I will spend my time practicing contemporary circus on the beach, traveling and enjoying adventures outside of the digital world.
This doesn't mean that there won't be Playjoy broadcasts but I personally WILL deviate from the conventional schedule. I will however respect the schedule if ANY of our broadcasters has a time on it but you will likely NOT be able to find my time there 'til a few minutes or maybe an hour before my own broadcasts.
I hear you are all questioning "When is summer?" & "When will you be back?" My plan at the moment is to wrap up my current games. We might be looking at a start of my "vacation" in about a month. So in July. The current plan is to start with me going to Camp Burn Yourself 2014 in Sweden and then go to European Juggling Convention 2014. My plans may still change but if that happens we are looking at a time-frame of a start of my absence, It should begin around 13 or 14th of July.
As for when I'll be back. Likely within a month after that but I can't say. August sometime perhaps.
Finally I want to explain to everyone why my casts are so inconsistent in energy level and engagement. My work recently switched from a consistent work seven days a week and then have seven days off to where I work one day, i have two off. work three days on the weekend, have four days off, one day work etc, etc, etc. This really does not work well with my way of life and conflicts a lot with my sleeping habits. Some days I sleep three hours... and others I just can't get up and end up sleeping for like twelve hours. I'm sorry you really do deserve a more consistent broadcast. Seeing as you put away other things to hang out on Playjoy. It is something I can't give you and I don't hold it to you if you can't be there. Now that my broadcasts will become more sporadic. I will 'try' to keep to the schedule whenever I can. But I can not promise consistency at this time in my life.
Thank you all for the incredibly journey so far as we continue our journey together to grow a loving and caring community, a channel with great content in the pursuit of the elusive partnership while keeping in mind to "Play & Enjoy"
Signed, Mireneye
tisdag 13 maj 2014
Why I don't vote
Democracy doesn't work and I'd rather not support a broken system such as the political machine we have today.
It doesn't matter in what shape or form. Power will be toyed with which is why the power should not be in a centralized party nor should it go to voters uninformed and stupid.
Mind you I'm not a political figure. I know VERY little. So don't put me into some standard category. I'm voicing an opinion I built over several years based on what I feel.
I feel the world is sick. We pop our bodies full of medicine to feel healthy yet.. medicine is not health. We think there is something wrong with young people and we blame others. And yet, those we hold close are naturally a reflections on ourselves.
We think we are in control of our lives while in fact we are simply suppressed to the point of not even knowing what we can do. And no single man is strong enough to fight the governments different visages.
We fool ourselves daily that our choices by vote or choices in work and life actually matter while the most we usually accumulate are simple remedies. A random patchwork upon an open bleeding wound.
We think that we can find consolation in the purchase of various products because commercials tell us, ever so cleverly by images and word how we will feel better. And I quote "You deserve a chocolate bar", no fuck why? How have we become so stupid? It doesn't matter how smart you are. I've been fascinated quite some time by mentalism and psychology and It's ridiculous how blatantly we are being toyed with.
They aren't even trying to hide it any more because they don't need to, because we are a fucking herd following the fucking herders like fucking sheep.
Next time do yourself a favor: When you leave the buss or a crowded place, take the path less walked even if it's longer. Make it a practice to break habits and find your own way.
When we finally get to the point of acting on the issues of the world, the broken system most of you so diligently protect by victimizing yourself to it will already have delayed it so it will be too little too late.
We live in a day and age where I can clear a situation between me and a friend in Japan within seconds if so is necessary. An age where this message could reach millions in minutes if the whim of the vast internet would fall in it's favor. Some people call it the culmination of the Information age.
And yet it takes me precisely between one week and my death to receive some help for a pressing medical issue. And what do I get, a lukewarm reception and a pat on the back and sent home with stronger pills.
By now I hope you understand this is not one single point I'm trying to make. This is everything and it's broken.
With a world so fantastical with so much creativity, so many possibilities and so many good people one would think that we would actually be able to make a difference. Yet society really doesn't have a platform for it. All we have is a biased world that circulates around the concept of money and power.
And if you are not a slave to others you'll have to be a slave to yourself. It's almost as if we are here to suffer.
How Buddhist.
And Sweden... GATHER SOME FUCKING BALLS! Stop acting all high and mighty holding to your dear and sacred cleanliness. OH such a good country, we never go out of line. Well WHOOP DI FUCKING DOO!.... It has cost us our freedom so thank you.
And as for the Pirate party of Sweden, I used to like you. You are a lesser evil still. But at the end of the day you are trying to beat the system on it's own battle ground. I'm sorry but that's not what a pirate would do.
And to all you other sick people who think that all these other COMMERCIAL RIDDEN flipping solutions that have you pay for their services (or gets paid from simply having them) is any better well take a look at the mirror and ask yourself how foolish you look. IT'S THE SAME THING ALL OVER AGAIN! Companies taking control and abusing us.
But is is really their fault? no.. most likely not. It's just the broken system.
A system YOU or MANY others support and protect.
And that is why I don't vote.
Signed, Peter "Mireneye" Elvin
torsdag 1 maj 2014
Mireneye caged
Circumstances can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
At the moment the thing that consistently brings me back to broadcasting at the moment is my will to be consistent and my will to someday reach my goals. And the icing on the top is meeting up with all of you sweet and awesome people who I love so much, those who have supported our vision so far, you know who you are. A heartfelt thank you.
I'm at a crossroads. Yet I really only see one path ahead of me. I'll just have to keep going, I've been slacking off, taken breaks, been inconsistent in my presentation so taking a break would not be an option for me. It has so far proven to be incredibly counter productive.
At the moment the thing that consistently brings me back to broadcasting at the moment is my will to be consistent and my will to someday reach my goals. And the icing on the top is meeting up with all of you sweet and awesome people who I love so much, those who have supported our vision so far, you know who you are. A heartfelt thank you.
I'm at a crossroads. Yet I really only see one path ahead of me. I'll just have to keep going, I've been slacking off, taken breaks, been inconsistent in my presentation so taking a break would not be an option for me. It has so far proven to be incredibly counter productive.
The circumstance as they are. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.. I don't feel I do anything differently. I upgraded the graphics, but that I think hardly changed anything.
So is it my fault? likely not. But could be.
Is it your fault then for not being active? Of course not. It's just that because the overall atmosphere falls silent and un-inspiring the circumstances are clearly at fault.
It's an odd mood I'm in. I'm full of spirit I'm full of energy and I'm very grateful. I'm doing so much progress in so many places in life. Yet the place where I put down most time and most of this energy is the place that seems to just have ground to a halt. It's not completely still, and there is nothing inherently wrong with the standstill. It's comfortable hanging out and talking and having fun with you all. I love you for being there with me.
The way I see it it's the same stew all over, every day at the moment. I need to add some spice to it somehow and I don't know what because at the end of the day the stew is not the problem.
It's just that the circumstances have caged me in my growth.
"And I don't like that sort of thing"
So is it my fault? likely not. But could be.
Is it your fault then for not being active? Of course not. It's just that because the overall atmosphere falls silent and un-inspiring the circumstances are clearly at fault.
It's an odd mood I'm in. I'm full of spirit I'm full of energy and I'm very grateful. I'm doing so much progress in so many places in life. Yet the place where I put down most time and most of this energy is the place that seems to just have ground to a halt. It's not completely still, and there is nothing inherently wrong with the standstill. It's comfortable hanging out and talking and having fun with you all. I love you for being there with me.
The way I see it it's the same stew all over, every day at the moment. I need to add some spice to it somehow and I don't know what because at the end of the day the stew is not the problem.
It's just that the circumstances have caged me in my growth.
"And I don't like that sort of thing"
-Mireneye
söndag 30 mars 2014
A bit of a special post (In Swedish)
Imorgon, eller ja om en timma så är det dags.
Förra veckan på måndag var jag på möte med jobbet och tog del i något som för mig känns så otroligt fel att det är svårt att beskriva. Men någonstans så förstår jag det. Men nog kan det va så att jag blir förd bakom ljuset och att det hela slutar väldigt illa.
Det här kommer låta rätt kryptiskt då de flesta som läser förmodligen inte är så insatta i min situation. Och ännu färre av er so läser kan läsa svenska.
Det har hänt något liknande en gång förut för väldigt länge sen när jag bodde i Överklinten då min mor fick ta sig till sjukhuset i Umeå för hon visste inte vad hon skulle göra av situationen där hemma. Jag minns väldigt lite av det hela om jag ska va ärlig.
Min far är en bra far i grund och botten. Jobbar hårt, har inte varit rädd för att ta tag i saker som måste göras. Men jag tror han snubblat i ett hål utan att han själv riktigt förstår hur mycket enklare saker kunde vara.
Jag skulle vilja hjälpa honom men jag tror han håller för många saker för sig själv, känslor som han inte ens själv vill gå igenom saker han inte vill minnas och händelser utanför hans kontroll som fortsätter att pröva honom. Han har inte haft det så lätt och jag beklagar honom inte för det.
Men det verkar som så att hans beteende nu har börjat skada fler utomstående och det verkar inte som han längre orkar göra så mycket på dagarna.
Så imorgon så kommer det hända ett par saker, och jag hoppas att det kommer göra saker bättre för oss alla I slutändan. Den jag är mest orolig för är min mor så klart. Jag vill alltid hennes bästa.
Det är något jag tror min far också vill. Men det har blivit för mycket för honom och han har som fallit djupare in i sin värld. Men det här är den bittra verkligheten jag tror det här måste göras och jag hoppas han kan förlåta mig.
Jag har inte varit ärlig mot honom sen det mötet och det har gjort ont inom mig. Jag önskar situationen kunde byggts på ärlighet, men jag tror inte någon hade styrkan nog att tacklas med situationen rakt på.
Inte då vi handskas med en person med så svagt psyke som min mor har på sina dar, inte då vi handskas med en son som älskar både sin mor och sin far. Inte då vi pratar om jobb som inte kan ignorera de händelser som pågår på det dom kallar "arbetsplatsen".
Det viktigaste som jag vill alla ska veta att jag gör det jag gör för min Mor, för hon om någon förtjänar det bra i hennes äldre dar.
Jag hoppas således det här kommer hjälpa min far så han också kan finna samma ro för jag bryr mig om honom lika mycket.
Det här är någonting vi måste klara av som en familj. Jag tror på oss, men vägen dit är lång, men första steget måste tas någon gång. Det är dags att sluta undvika problem och försöka lösa dom istället.
Signed, Peter "Mireneye" Elvin
Förra veckan på måndag var jag på möte med jobbet och tog del i något som för mig känns så otroligt fel att det är svårt att beskriva. Men någonstans så förstår jag det. Men nog kan det va så att jag blir förd bakom ljuset och att det hela slutar väldigt illa.
Det här kommer låta rätt kryptiskt då de flesta som läser förmodligen inte är så insatta i min situation. Och ännu färre av er so läser kan läsa svenska.
Det har hänt något liknande en gång förut för väldigt länge sen när jag bodde i Överklinten då min mor fick ta sig till sjukhuset i Umeå för hon visste inte vad hon skulle göra av situationen där hemma. Jag minns väldigt lite av det hela om jag ska va ärlig.
Min far är en bra far i grund och botten. Jobbar hårt, har inte varit rädd för att ta tag i saker som måste göras. Men jag tror han snubblat i ett hål utan att han själv riktigt förstår hur mycket enklare saker kunde vara.
Jag skulle vilja hjälpa honom men jag tror han håller för många saker för sig själv, känslor som han inte ens själv vill gå igenom saker han inte vill minnas och händelser utanför hans kontroll som fortsätter att pröva honom. Han har inte haft det så lätt och jag beklagar honom inte för det.
Men det verkar som så att hans beteende nu har börjat skada fler utomstående och det verkar inte som han längre orkar göra så mycket på dagarna.
Så imorgon så kommer det hända ett par saker, och jag hoppas att det kommer göra saker bättre för oss alla I slutändan. Den jag är mest orolig för är min mor så klart. Jag vill alltid hennes bästa.
Det är något jag tror min far också vill. Men det har blivit för mycket för honom och han har som fallit djupare in i sin värld. Men det här är den bittra verkligheten jag tror det här måste göras och jag hoppas han kan förlåta mig.
Jag har inte varit ärlig mot honom sen det mötet och det har gjort ont inom mig. Jag önskar situationen kunde byggts på ärlighet, men jag tror inte någon hade styrkan nog att tacklas med situationen rakt på.
Inte då vi handskas med en person med så svagt psyke som min mor har på sina dar, inte då vi handskas med en son som älskar både sin mor och sin far. Inte då vi pratar om jobb som inte kan ignorera de händelser som pågår på det dom kallar "arbetsplatsen".
Det viktigaste som jag vill alla ska veta att jag gör det jag gör för min Mor, för hon om någon förtjänar det bra i hennes äldre dar.
Jag hoppas således det här kommer hjälpa min far så han också kan finna samma ro för jag bryr mig om honom lika mycket.
Det här är någonting vi måste klara av som en familj. Jag tror på oss, men vägen dit är lång, men första steget måste tas någon gång. Det är dags att sluta undvika problem och försöka lösa dom istället.
Signed, Peter "Mireneye" Elvin
tisdag 25 mars 2014
The next mile
Do you walk this frail path for yourself? or do you walk it for others?
What is this barrier that stops me in my tracks in archiving what I want?
But first let's figure out the question of what I want.
I want simplicity, I want fun. I want the ability to be spontaneous. Everything else is secondary. I have a sense of destiny, something I must do.
To say family and friends are secondary might sound harsh. It's not meant to be put on a scale and I understand this perfectly. But you can't truly live life worrying about those, they come, pass, change shapes they are not constant. Family perishes, die or grow apart so do friends.
What is left is your ambition, and the greatest of family and the greatest of friends support that. They are allies to your cause.
To understand the light, to understand the greatness is not only to grasp for it. But also to be able to see it. And boy has my eyes been clouded.
There are a number of things I have to do for me. Some of them I will not like, but they are things long overdue, things that are keeping me at bay.
I'm a storm. A force, and at the moment I'm all to tame. The world succeeded in doing just that, tame me. This is not as simple as just being reborn. It's about taking for yourself what is truly yours.
Inherit the light within you.
When I was a kid I watched Silver Fang. In a way it is a story about the power of youth. You have to wonder, how come you loose so much inspiration as you grow older? Or is it just that we don't take it to ourselves just as easily?
At least we have nostalgia, a very powerful thing. It reminds us that things of the past is never lost. It lives on within us and it is always a part of us for as long as we remember.
And thus the key to these hard choices is not a key that stems from rebirth. But one that stems from great waves of nostalgia.
And remembering who we are.
Signed, Mireneye
lördag 22 februari 2014
onsdag 12 februari 2014
FATALITY
I was able to push myself really hard because of a mixture of great personal growth, good people that kept me going and a good balance of chaos and logic in life. And at the edge of it all, an energy drink here and there kept me going.
Yesterday when I had the unfortunate event of some loud friends coming over and me deciding not to cast because I wanted only the best for my viewers I think something else dawned on me during the course of the day. I need a break.
Since Christmas I've been going none-stop between work, broadcasting and working in RPG-maker in between, moderating a channel on twitch.tv and trying to practice more contemporary circus. Hell I even found a rhythm that could support all that and keep me alive and well. Alas it was a fragile rhythm and it is now but a distant memory.
My current plan is to get back to a decent rhythm and make sure it's stable and then I will start adding in the different aspects naturally. Streaming will be the first to return, closely followed by contemporary circus practice and the rest I expect to fall in line when natural.
But now I will rest and do naught but what I desire whenever I desire. I embrace this time of chaos as a phase in life that should help me get back on my feet.
Thank you for having been with me on this journey. Now we await the next chapter.
When I rise, I will rise stronger than before!
Signed, Mireneye
Yesterday when I had the unfortunate event of some loud friends coming over and me deciding not to cast because I wanted only the best for my viewers I think something else dawned on me during the course of the day. I need a break.
Since Christmas I've been going none-stop between work, broadcasting and working in RPG-maker in between, moderating a channel on twitch.tv and trying to practice more contemporary circus. Hell I even found a rhythm that could support all that and keep me alive and well. Alas it was a fragile rhythm and it is now but a distant memory.
My current plan is to get back to a decent rhythm and make sure it's stable and then I will start adding in the different aspects naturally. Streaming will be the first to return, closely followed by contemporary circus practice and the rest I expect to fall in line when natural.
But now I will rest and do naught but what I desire whenever I desire. I embrace this time of chaos as a phase in life that should help me get back on my feet.
Thank you for having been with me on this journey. Now we await the next chapter.
When I rise, I will rise stronger than before!
Signed, Mireneye
söndag 2 februari 2014
The journey so far...
"Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done"
Sometimes I walk around and wonder when I'm done. Does the creative spirit never rest? Does it ever long for not having a sense of destiny or purpose? Is this just a remnant of that weak... old self. Or is it a new doubt that needs to be crushed?
I think I'm leaning towards the latter. In your pursue of greater things of course you hit a rough patch sometimes, does that mean you give up? FUCK NO! It means you get your shit together, as broken, disjointed and painful it may be and just push! Push until there is almost nothing left of you.
Because you know what? Like a muscle you'll grow stronger. As long as you don't snap. But let's be honest, keep your wits about you, and always take the best and positive aspects with you and your mentality should be fine through the gauntlet.
This gives me the possibility to be reborn from my own ashes.
I was offered the gift of the challenge and I'm going to use it to reinvent myself.
Over and over.
Day after day.. Ad infinitum.
Or until I'm satisfied with my result.
Signed, Mireneye
Post script: I referenced one tv series. one game and one trailer for a movie. See if you can catch them!
Sometimes I walk around and wonder when I'm done. Does the creative spirit never rest? Does it ever long for not having a sense of destiny or purpose? Is this just a remnant of that weak... old self. Or is it a new doubt that needs to be crushed?
I think I'm leaning towards the latter. In your pursue of greater things of course you hit a rough patch sometimes, does that mean you give up? FUCK NO! It means you get your shit together, as broken, disjointed and painful it may be and just push! Push until there is almost nothing left of you.
Because you know what? Like a muscle you'll grow stronger. As long as you don't snap. But let's be honest, keep your wits about you, and always take the best and positive aspects with you and your mentality should be fine through the gauntlet.
This gives me the possibility to be reborn from my own ashes.
I was offered the gift of the challenge and I'm going to use it to reinvent myself.
Over and over.
Day after day.. Ad infinitum.
Or until I'm satisfied with my result.
Signed, Mireneye
Post script: I referenced one tv series. one game and one trailer for a movie. See if you can catch them!
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