New times

I can feel it inside of me, the shifts and turns; And it burns just underneath my skin.

My job called me today, and told me they were going to have to restructure things, again. And how this would mean a remake of my working schedule. Less days completely off, but essentially same 70%.

So many things have changed in such a short amount of time with work, I don't expect it to find stability any time soon. Which means looking for stability might not be the way forward.

My instincts are telling me It's time to do something else. I welcome whatever the future holds but I feel my time at my current job is coming to an end.

I'm considering letting someone come live in my home, could be nice for a year or so to live a bit differently, to keep expanding as a person, and have someone share some of the living expense.

I'm considering some wild things these days.
I don't only have myself to think about but also my game project, which now is touching more people than myself. It's going to be a new world of opportunity out there, with so many companies laid to the dust, what will rise from the ashes?

Maybe the Twinlake Minstrel will.

The light or the shadows? which one attracts the strongest, which one scares you the most?
The light intimidates, burns, is full of adversity. But it is where greatness is born.
The darkness is solitary, simple, focused, safe. It's a place to grow strong in.

I need both.
But I can't right now, first I require change in my life.
Come Monday (2020-03/27), Is when I'll start this journey. We'll see where the world ends up after I've made my move.

Signed, Mireneye

Catharsis

Truly seeing another person can be hard.
You might wish that your paths did not diverge so much, that there was more time.
You might try to force a change that ultimately nobody wants.
Because what is beuty if it isn't free?
What is love if it isn't given selflessly?

To answer these question you might have to face yourself. This arguably most of us want to think that we are decent at. I think all the time that from countless, countless hours of introspection that I have come face to face with every demon that has ever lived and will ever live inside of me.

But the truth is, I was blind not to see the pattern. The ebb and the flow, there's always a demon growing, there's always a force trying to stop it. Any new tool that you produce to work on yourself ultimately might save you in the moment. The demon neutralized. But we.. are not made to be satisfied. We need to invent and reinvent and in the process of meeting other people, new demons will rise anew.

Demons are a part of life. The challenge they pose can break you on a fundamental level. I've been there.

I don't know if many people know that. I mean, I'm open about my life to anyone who's curious. But I have been, maybe I continue to be fundamentally a bit broken.

It just so happens, every broken piece has found a home somewhere inside of me. And slowly, slowly my mind unravels, as a mystery box, before my own minds eye.

I had a talk with my father recently. We get along much better now than we ever have had. I told him a little bit about my perspective on my not so ideal childhood, and told him that I had forgiven him since long.

After a minute I almost cried.
And he was sad, but also happy and agreed that he's also enjoying having this "Father/Son connection" after so many years.

To be honest, there are things I will never forgive. But I understand also that the guilt should be enough, I have nothing to add to that.

And let me be fourthcoming. The only way forward is through, right? At least that is what I believe.

I also carry guilt.

Before I started thinking for myself about what a relationship is and isn't my only real reference were idealized television and my mother and father.

I had very magical ideals.
My first girlfriend told me that "if we are gonna do this, first we got to take things slow, and do it right". I was too stupidly horny as young teenager to take that to heart.

Nobody ever after that point, ever said anything wise like that too me again. We just assumed, and played a game of "let's be boyfriend and girlfriend" and hope that we understand what that means without any effort.

This left me an incredibly confused lovefool.

Before getting more into this, none of what I say is meant to do any justice to the deeds I carry guilt for. But this is my story and I want you(the reader) to know the whole thing.

One morning, I got home from work, and my then girlfriend, second ex was sleeping. I came in and I was like, hey.. I really need to talk to you. I actually don't remember what it was about but things had been tense in general, in our relationship and also with my family. She was really tired and needed to sleep in and I tried to tell her that it was important. With all the emotions that were boiling inside of me I hit the wall next to the bed, It's basically above where she slept so it really startled her.

This stuff is going to be tough for me to talk about. I have processed much of it but never talked about it in plain text, for anyone to find and dissect.

We had a big fight and It's safe to say that was the breaking point between us. Probably the worst breakup I ever had. But this is not the end of it. It's about to get darker.

Fast forward a month or so, it so happens we are going on a planned trip. Me, my second ex and her best friend. Situation was a bit loaded and my feelings were very confused, it was stupid but let's not linger on it.

We got to the place, and while yes we had been drinking I'm in no way hiding behind this. The choice to drink is as much our responsebility as anything, and again it was a bad choice. At this point they are stacking up.

The night was coming to an end and I was setting up my tent when I realized I did not have all the stuff I needed. I asked if I could sleep in my second exs tent, which she agreed upon if our bedrolls remained separate.

During the evening as she was falling asleep, and very gradually I think I wanted to think we were getting closer. There was no way I could sleep with everything running through my head at that point. I was so confused, heartbroken and here I was next to her.

And we inched closer. Probably my unconscious moving me forward. Eventually we touch bedrolls.

I started putting my hand around her, I think I realized she was awake. I touched her, inside of her clothes, her knickers with my hand. She froze to the touch and I didn't get far, and I really can't remember exactly what happened first but I think she broke out of the state she was in, and basically ran out of the tent.

So yes.. I did it.
Something I keep as a constant reminder to never. ever. do again. And nothing I ever do will make this right, and no amount of sorry or deed can ever redeem it. It is guilt, pure and proper.

I've openly told anyone who I've started having a meaningful encounter with about this event, because I want them to know this defining moment.

I thought once or twice, that I should turn myself in because of it.
But maybe this is a better, if I keep being honest and open. If I keep this close as a guiding principle in my life.

I'm still learing so much about people and relationships. What it means to let go, what it means to let things take time.

I found so many tools that worked wonders for me as a person. I found ways to communicate with feelings that felt previously impossible. It's because of a person that made me challenge everything about how relationships are supposed to be.

Enter my third ex.

The first person who shared with me, a structure, a package of how things could work if you take to yourself a few core values.

I ended up having four amazing years with this person.

However, everything about this relationship was not amazing.
During this relationship, I've once hit a wall in agony. I've tossed a chair to the floor.

I think it's important you understand that one thing that made us so strong was because we challenged each other, and we were both very smart and strong willed.

This was also one of our pitfalls that led to so much frustation.

A central theme that ran through many of our arguments was "What can I ask for without putting pressure on you?". The answer was from day one until the end, no different "I don't know".

We lived quite frivolously. Experimenting a lot with different ways on how to maximize freedom, while maintaining a working, very close, romantic relationship.

So, at one point she was away for a week with another person she was building an intimate romantic relationship with. I put a lot of pressure on her during this time because of reasons I won't get into in detail I was feeling incredibly insecure about this, and fear of history repeating itself started to grow.

We were going to meet at the end, and connect but towards the end of the week she started being really shifty over text messages, I sensed something was going on and I think I went a little bit mad.

And I was right. She only returned to tell me that it was over.

I, already having been driven sort of off my rails went a bit ballistic. Sadness, anger, grief has never, ever quite hit me that hard. And this is the second guilt that I carry. The memory of this scares me.

I don't remember it all. But I'll share the highlights.
I remember having a panic attack, I remember it feeling like there was no room for me so I threw off my shirt, like I was burning, for a while I thought about tossing myself out of the balcony, and for yet another while I posed with a knife telling her I was going to hurt myself.. when I saw fear in her eyes I put the knife down. I remember kneeling asking please. I remember screaming from the top of my lungs, feeling that I had fucked up the truest love that I've ever experienced. As she was trying to leave I told her that she promised me to give us time. And when she refused I said I would not let her out. Eventually she got out and even if every fiber of my body wanted to stop her, some part of me knew there was no forcing it even if at the time that is all I wanted.
I followed her out in the blistering cold, shirtless.
I forgot my key, she toss her extra on the ground.

I hate that this happened.

And all of this guilt has to amount to something inside of me. And all the pain of knowing what I've caused need to amount to something good.

This is why I keep this too, as a guiding principle. I'm not sure how but I know I grow as a person. And I grow into someone who can be more productive in ways that I can express myself.

Finally, we have come to the last piece.

Where I take all the good parts, still believing so strongly in the tools I've come to depend on, only to see how they put in another context actually can put pressure on others, who are of course their own unique person.

So what can I learn from this?

That no tools ever work for every person, no amount of tool will work for every personal demon. That every meeting, every person has to be a dialog, with no preconception of how to get intimate, get romantic, fall in love.

And finally after fifteen or more years, listening back to my first ex, hearing her voice telling me "time to do this right, to take things slowly", applying what I know today. It is clear, doing it right means listening to each other, and taking things slowly is just that. Trust, and love will grow, if given the right nutrition, and that's something only others can show you, in time.

Time is an interesting aspect of this. I have always felt like rushing into love, partially because of a fear of missing out. But perhaps the rush also means I'm missing things, by pushing what will come naturally.

And so a new demon appears before me. This time new tools will be made, I sharpen my mind. Hunker down, focus on what is important.

I already know the first tools that are going to be paramount in this endevour.

Wish me luck.
This is my silverlining,
I've found it.

Signed, Mireneye

On the long road back

It feels so different to live in a world without Ladie, my grandmother and Björne.

In a world without a stable social circle.
I thought I would survive 2019 and feel stronger and feel that I had processed the bad that happened so I could enjoy everything amazing that happened.

But I don't know. I mostly feel changed.
Because I got to encounter most of it alone.

It sometimes feels like the universe owes me something, like there is an infinitely large hole in me. Unfortunately this has had an adverse impact on loved and close ones when I asked for help.

I am often treated as if I cannot handle it on my own then I am trash. No one wants to be with a weak person. They don't say it, but it obviously feels like they're pulling away. And people who "care" suggest that I need to fix something in how I think. Is it so strange that maybe I just need a hug and someone to listen?

I tried to hold on harder and harder, because I don't want to lose more this year.

And then I lost even more.

After everything, being able to trust once again that I can let go, and people will come back if I give them space and time; is so difficult.

I plays a music playlist, which happens to contain songs from all my past loving relationships. Songs too good to take away. It feels like all the bad things of those happens to me happens at the same time, as if my life consisted of four separate timelines that simultaneously meet in a head-on collision.

All mental wounds bleed simultaneously.
And my, not so ideal childhood makes itself heard.

But I try not to define myself after this sacrificial gown.

I always have a silver line. I have always been attracted by the idea that whatever you do, there is always something to build on.

This should not be an exception.
So that's why I'm looking for what my silver line can be.

(This is a repost from Facebook, where it was first published 13th of November 2019)

The ugly

I don't know where to start.

My journey to Urkult had a series of events that unfolded that put me in a very vulnerable position. And in that position I think I was furthermore hurt a few times. And furthermore, I probably went into Urkult, already carrying a lot of recent burdens.

I feel betrayed.
But the smart thing would be to separate the feeling of being betrayed with the intention.
And I think I can be certain that no-one meant for this to happen. No-one means me ill. I think. Their intentions good.

I think the cases can be distilled into the categories of 1, miscommunication and 2, me wanting to believe, therefore not seeing the full picture. (misinterpreting by choice).

I think that would make an accurate display of what transpired.

Going into it, I know I'm still fragile from the death of a close ones dog, and now I'm carrying a new sorrow that I aquired during my journey. The death of my granny. Last of the close relative in the older part of the family line.

My dad was also at the hospital, they are still figuring out what is wrong with him, but he is home now at least.

And my mom, well.. Her condition isn't any better. I feel sad that I don't see her that much. Life seeming so fleeting these days, maybe I won't get the chance to really talk to her about all the things that actually matter.

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel exhausted, like I can't take any more.

I want to be the person who can infuse good things in my relationships. Not the one spewing venom. But I'm screaming on the inside, a baby scream. Afraid that these feelings I have will ruin the few good things that's going on in life right now. Maybe they already have. Maybe this is just the cascade. And I'm powerless, watching the bricks fall like dominos that I have no control over.

I fear that I can't make someone feel appreciated. I fear that I'll do more damage than good.
I try to be transparent. "Hey, I'm sort of a mess right now, I'm sorting things through, I hope you can be patient with me".

I hope my words will be more than an echo. I need to be heard, need to be felt.
Surely these feelings are mine to process, mine to get through.

But as it's all coming down around me. I can't help but feel, I might need some wind under my wings, so I can take off and fly once more.

Signed, Mireneye

The lies I told

And worst of all is that I believe in the lies that he tells me.

Always. he tells me "Always." when asked if he would stay with me to watch the end of the world.

To be witness to my fall. But no.

He never did, and still I believed. I believed in someone who smiles in the rain."

"Perhaps he smiled because my skirt was all wet, perhaps he smiled because the way i looked, stumbling into him. Or the way my makeup ran down my face. All i know is that it was a smile, a lie, belonging to a person I would follow anywhere, until today."

"What is special about today you ask? Well if you don't know, I'm not really too keen on telling you. All you have to know is that the lies began and will end with me, today. After the gift that is today is unwrapped, everything will become a mystery for someone else to stumble upon. With this final note, I'm done."

"It's been five years. That smile still haunts me everytime I look into the mirror. The greatest lie I told myself was that by ridding myself of the past, I could be free. Little did I know that the holding cell kept my mind moreso my body."

"I died twice, I lived one life for myself and one for my dream. What is left now? What have become of me? I found some old notes I don't even remember writing. The writings match my style perfectly, so they must be mine. I've asked father. But he remains silent, like always. Glorious bastard that he is, ever since that day."

"I found a rock with your name written on it. No I mean it, your name, as if written by your hand but that can't be. You are so far away and I'm only as close as you told me to be. If you're here that means... you've found my old texts. Did someone give them to you? Was it a tall, dark haired man? This can't be, yet it's perfect. Exactly like something he would do."

"I believed in him once more when he said he was dying. He gave me everything, his house, his car, access to all of his money, his internet codes. This was the dream. It was lonely but it was appropriate. Who else, his family? His wife? No.. He trusted me more than anyone. Was this just another sham?"

"And so I smiled through this twisted fantasy of his. And so I saw him every day in the mirror. His lies alive through me. I was just a suit carried by him, and I believed myself to be free, until you came along."

"Speaking to you now has made it all very clear to me. If you are here it means he has succeeded. The dark haired man knows that you will read this, he knows that you know that you are next and there is nothing to do about it.

Just believe and smile while the tears fall down your face."

Ivory Moonflower

Ivory Moonflower

Drowned in Evernight
Walked a thousand miles
Just to have a taste

Alas it was a fools errand
As reality fell apart
My mind ensnared by an ancient art

Cut my way through the forest
as it cut it's way through me

As I cometh from the dark
I'm not the same.
Something wicked that way came
That didn't even know
The nature - of its own name

-Common Ode to Evernight

Ivori Moonflower:

Originates from Evernight, It's seed have been carried by winds to also grow at places on Dynasthir. The central piece of a Moonflower looks like a white bell, it's leaves large and greenish, protruding from the root, growing up along the stem. The Moonflower blossoms in the presence of Shade.

If harvested in bloom and steeped it is incredibly sweet, and in high concentration the taste assumes a hint of liquorice. This is why liquorice has been nicknamed "Shadesight".

Steeping the flower before blooming reveals a strong bitter taste.

Properties of digesting the flower: Calming, aphrodisiac, induces a sense of focus and control.

Signed, Mirenye

In pursuit of imagination

In pursuit of imagination
A chronicle of a journey twisted and violent, sometimes downright freaky. Close to my heart, at the core of who I am and why.


From the first conscious moments I can recall, I've always sought sanctuary in the form of imagining something that needed to be more real than what was right in front of me.

I even used to tell my parents that I was going out to get lost in the forest. Believing it to be just a childish game they told me to be home by dinner.

More then often I wasn't.

But when I was home I either constructed various contraptions either taking the form of tiny hideouts out of blankets, pillows and strings, or I built entire cityscapes or scenarios with legos.

Sometimes I even tried making lego armor for my cat. Much to it's dismay.

At a fairly early age I got my own computer after showing an immense interest with the computer at my cousins place and the computer at school. This along with a growing interesting in playing and not only watching people play games became my new obsession.

In a weird almost dreamy way I started conjuring game like scenarios and worlds, applying them to the real world. I would assign roles and scenarios to the few friends I had. Never did I ever question if they saw what I saw, or understood my visions. And somehow we still played together. If this fantasy wasn't real in some way, I don't know if anything is.

I distinctively also remember building one or two whole forts out of bales of hay with one of my few fickle best friends at the time, while playing a sort of war game between us when they were finished.

I was told watching the movie Alien II (I believe) by myself late at night on TV when I was quite young, that I have to understand the difference between what is real and what is not. And for whatever bizarre reason that has stuck with me through the years as something I've questioned time and time again but always revisited when I needed something to fall back on. Ever since then, I've always found an almost sick pleasure in visceral content. But even before that point I seem to have always had a deep fascination with taking things apart, like toys or actual broken down cars (or whole ones, sorry Dad). Destruction being the focus of the fun rather than construction. As even if I wanted to repair things It was a bit too finicky for my taste. Even if I did have and continue to this day to be quite patient.

Coming into the teens I started having a mild obsession with making my own games. Starting out with building overly complex and disorganized board games that too some extent remind me of the hybrid board game/roleplaying games of today. Why? Because what was still too complex to do on the computer I found other mediums to express myself with.

I also started to get more and more serious about writing. Finding that after having passed a very strange barrier where I could barely write and spell correctly that I had a knack for language. Perhaps because of my early exposure to computers and the internet?

At this moment It's important for you to know that my mother is an artist. A painter. And my dad is a carpenter. And me? I happened to fall into a weird things betwixt.

For various game related reasons I became quite obsessed with modifying their content. This led me to my passion for 3d graphics. And spawned my frist juvenile attempts at creating new games within existing ones. I even wrote a guide after a few years of fooling myself that I knew the pitfalls. It even got pinned on a forum for being informative. It was a weird time, because I was still finding myself and I didn't know I was lost (Thanks Avicii).

One time in the haze of being a teenager with hormone imbalance and a messed up circadian rhythm I spent perhaps two days just sitting with my computer, bunkered up with food, while trying to become a 3d artist. By the time I got away from the monitor my brain was basically wired to think if only for a while that I could change things around me like in the computer program. It was weird and wonderful and a bit disappointing to realize that it was merely a hallucination of sorts.

Growing up in my teens I think my artistry was never quite appreciated. And so I probably isolated myself a lot, and just enjoyed creating for creations sake. At about the age of fifteen I was tempted out of the comfort of the darkness. I was shown a sliver of light and I've pursued that sliver ever since.

The light was passion, the light was a burning will to prove that my life was an adventure. Something worthy to tell a tale about. And that I was someone worthy to share life with.

At the age of ninteeen I moved away from my parents to start make a living of my own. It was during this time when money was scarce, my home was a messy chaos, because I never found the time and energy to learn how to be a responsible grown-up. I had been too busy up to this point taking care of a sick mother and an occasionally (all to often) drunk father. The way I look at it, at this point in my life I started making up for lost time, which meant domestic cleanliness was of low importance.

Somewhen after that I was lured to Umeå to continue pursuing my dreams of contemporary circus while living in a collective with other artists but this is a chapter all by itself and I might cover that in another post. Needless to say this was a poi(gnant) and productive moment in my life as I believe I probably practiced an avarage of three to five hours every day.

Fast forward a few years. I'm in my own apartment finally again. The highlife had introduced me to a demon called alcohol. One that I had feared for so long. And I was living a life that I in some ways had coveted in my younger years but never explored.

It is within a daze of not being quite awake, not being quite asleep. Out of money and food for a prolonged period of time but with a bit of alcohol in my body, and within the frame of having watched existential movies like Casshern and playing games like Planescape: Torment from beginning to end without much rest in between that I concocted my most philosophical work known as Hexagonica (Which I have talked about in previous posts). It was a mindstate that I came to seek more and more. Eventually leading down a pretty dangerous path. Realizing one morning when proper awake that the kitchen was almost chuck-full with bottles of cider, that I had to change course in the pursuit of imagination.
How could I alter the state of my mind, without supplements?
Sleep deprivation have been my best ally for almost as long as I can remember. And it remains to this day the one thing I can not see myself without. I'm there right now, typing this very sentence.

But to substitute the other pieces of this dangerous but creative mindset I had to go on a journey. One that I'm still on to this very night. Along the way I've found a number of tools I'd like to share in a future post.

Remeniscing about the past I realize I've always been dreaming myself away I became attatched in my mid teens to Psychadelic Trance because it took my imagination to places I could not comprehend. I've escaped reality only to build a new one. I've loved and made love to build fantasies.

And so perhaps it's not odd that now that I've started facing reality, remembering all of these details about my past, forgiving my parents that I can see that there is true magic and wonder in the world. I've always been one for silver linings but they have always talked of subjective experiences, or asending points of view above and beyond their original scope. Today I stand before you not with a silver lining but with proof that there is something special within us all.

All of these worlds I've fancied were always real. Because they are my narrative. They are my legend. They are interwoven with the fabric of who I am and why I am the way I am today.

I stand before you as myself. A symbol of a life lived within the worlds of many.

In pursuit of imagination...I found salvation.

-Signed, Mireneye

Abundant love(in Swedish)

Det är i sig ingen nyhet för dom som står mig närmast att jag har en relationsform som inte hör till standarden.

Men jag trodde aldrig jag skulle varit på den plats jag är idag. En plats där jag kan få så mycket njutning från alla möjliga håll och kanter när det kommer till mina nära relationer. Men så klart kommer varje unik relation med unik problematik man behöver jobba med.

Hur gör jag som flersam, när en av personerna jag är kär i så övertygat dras mot en monogam norm? Jag vill verkligen göra allt jag kan för att bemöta denna person. Men vem är jag att utmana dennes sätt att leva sitt liv på?

Men i något slags försök att va retorisk frågar jag mig.
*Vad kan jag ge dig som får dig att känna dig mer säker på våra känslor för varandra?
*Finns det något exklusivt som bara kan finnas när man är flickvän/pojkvän; Som inte finns annars?

Jag kan ge dig tid, men då vill jag ju också ha någon form av säkerhet. Vill känna trygghet i att veta vad vi bygger gentemot, gemensamt.

Det exklusiva kring flickvän/pojkväns relationer är generellt sätt saker som jag inte ser som bra uttryck av kärlek. Det subtila ägandet "Du är min" som ofta leder till en falsk idé om att vi äger varandras handlingar. "Du är min flickvän därför får du inte göra X" känns kanske bekant? Och därmed ger någon form av bestämmande rätt över den andra personen.

Det andra exklusiva är att man "lovar bort sig" till den andra. Att det bara är vi två in i oändligheten tillsammans. Det är den andra saken jag inte ser som ett uttryck av kärlek. Utan av osäkerhet. Om jag älskar någon låt hen vara fri.

För vissa personer gör dom ovanstående punkterna inget och det är ok. Jag dömer inte. Men i min situation just nu behöver jag bemöta det, och verkligen fundera över hur jag ska gå till väga.

Jag vill ha min frihet, självklart med hög respekt för alla involverade men särskilt mina närmsta. Och jag vill undvika att bli benämnd som pojkvän eller som ett par/tillsammans.

Hur går jag då tillväga för att möta dig?

Childish mind!

Hello people,

It's been a while has it not? I thought it time for a much needed update.

Life seems like a series of rhythms sometimes. Sometimes these rhythms are pleasant, sometimes less so. Right now I'm barely following the quick succsession in which everything is happening at.

Beloved friends to me have huge changes in life.

And I'm pushing hard to find the balance of destiny and work. Nestled inbetween I have the much dreaded paperwork. And honestly if there is ONE thing that keeps eating away at me it's the paperwork.

I really, really don't like paperwork.

And that's not from lack of trying. I've had plenty of chances to revisit and try to get better at it. Right now it's barely managable, as even in writing this I just know I'm two days behind on a paper I have to turn in.

I'm actually honestly not sure how I would have even survived in a pre-computer era. And I'm not sure why I can't do these things digitally in this day and age. Sigh.

The paper abovementioned is normally ok to be late with, It just means some processes will be delayed but there is no real penalty to it, other than the papers take roughly two weeks to process so it's best to do it as early as possible.

Anyhoo..

Let me tell you some things about my general mood lately. I've felt a shift in my personality for quite a while now. I've become more confident when I have energy but I have a counter reaction when I'm out of energy, sometimes. And it's become stronger over the course of a few months. And this can shift pretty easily if something influences my energy level. Like certain comments or food intake, etc.. It's odd for someone who's usually so level-headed.

Since it's me, you expect some wise or otherwise cheery silver lining to this post & I won't fail you on this account.

I see this as something positive. It's a step towards accepting emotions and widening my range of understanding.

And maybe it's simply a result of growing into a position where certain people, and certain situations around me just matter more. As my confidence grows more things are at play and I take upon myself greater tasks or ask more of myself. It's a growth I'm ready to face.

But I will not betray you childish mind. You will always be there, I will always play. But it might be time you and me both, started playing with bigger toys.

Signed,
-Mireneye

What is work doing to me?

Having a job has really called into question a lot of things about me as a person.
It's also raising a lot of thoughts in general.

Here is one of those thoughts.

 How does it make me feel? While at work it's sometimes empowering, I feel I'm helping guests have a nice experience and I can share a part of my life, laughs and experiences with my fellow workers.

But like a double edged blade it also makes me feel quite inferior. Like everyone else who overworks themselves, who tries so hard. Or those who sail through the storms with excellence and finessé has something I don't. That they are more grown up. That EVERYTHING I've ever created was just an elaborate way to avoid the unavoidable. Growing up. Or acting as such.

And that's the thing.. I don't act. Where is my sense of destiny in this petty form?

The only comfort I find is that I can tell myself at night that if I keep doing this for a few years I can be just as good as them. Just as good at fitting in with the crowd. But isn't all this just superficial? Didn't we create this system exactly to make me feel this way? To put blame on those who refuse to conform? To turn even creative minds into factories, able to produce for the sake of monetary gain. Something just as superficial as the rest of the system.

 I'm disgusted that we havn't gotten further. That we can't be more free. And I'm seriously starting to think about alternatives.

 In the long run I don't want to live my life like this.

Our bodies wither and die. We are here for a limited time. Why live this life if it can not be for your own ambitions? But then there's all the benefits that we are fed.

By having a steady income:
I'm not blamed for:
 *beeing a leech on society
 *I'm able to buy the latest games and consoles
*I'll be able to go on larger trips again.
*I have greater freedom to indulge in more diverse cultures
*I'll be able to pay fellow artists more
*I can repay the debts I owe people
*I can get a drivers license

And yes money "solves" these things. But even so I'm still not motivated by money. Money has been thrown in my face all my life but I was never susceptible to it's allure. It's hard for me to care about money that friends borrow from me, it's hard for me to care about economical paperwork like invoices. Although I take my own loans from people very seriously because I don't impose my own views on them. And finally it's hard for me to take money for jobs. Even when I look at my salery the numbers all feel fake to me. Sure the effects are real. But only because we've created this world of segregation.

I'm not sure what I can do about it. But I'd like to change something about my own life that can bring me back to my sense of destiny.

And don't take this to be simply black and white. There are shades of my destiny in everything I do. When I'm behind the bar serving drinks, when I get to interact with people who return with smiles on their faces I can see it, feel it!

But I can not and will never be motivated by money. I would rather find my destiny on the streets. And if I have to go there AGAIN, then maybe I will. But it shouldn't have to be that extreme. I'm going to carve a path into the threads of destiny. And I will cut out a piece for myself. You'll see.

Signed, Mireneye

Honesty

I'm just going to come out and set this straight. 

Sure when you are deep in love you have all those nice things raging strong inside of you. But the truth of the matter is this:

You are going to hurt someone, and that someone will hurt you back. 
And that's ok. 

Not because any of you want to hurt each other. Not because any of you deserve it. 

But because when you let someone come so close to you that they touch the essence buried beneath your skin, it stirs more than just love. It's like an awakening. As you wake up naked before the other they see you fully, and they too are open to all of you, all of your darkest emotions. They subjectify themselves to this. It's a sacrifice we make in the pursuit of love.

And that's ok. 

It's ok because we know no other way to touch so deeply. We know only how we, together can gaze at each other and be blissfull in that we can be naked together. And sometimes it's going to be ugly. Sometimes you might wonder what it's all for.

And so I remind you that you are only here, because both of you chose to go down this road together. You are only here because you wanted to be so close,

that both of your darkness become light.

Dawn of many

A lot of new developments in life recently. It is a dawn of sorts, for many a new things. Roughly one year and four months back I said that "From this grave I will forge a light to outshine the northern star."

In review of the events preceding, and the current outlook on my future I would say things are looking to be on track.

The forge is running hot. Maybe too hot sometimes, as you all may or may not know I'm the type of person who revel in the calm and slow pace of things. I have great drives but I don't mind the passage of time. I rather enjoy seeing time pass as I enjoy the harmony of the moments life presents me with.

Allow me a moment to fill you in on past, current and future events that become a conglomeration of sorts, bonding together, like rays of light shining ever brighter in their union.

There's been a bit of a shift in my relationship with my parents. And I feel much more comfortable now than ever about talking to my father. And also in relating to his past. It's really nice to be able to relate and too actually have a functioning relationship with your parents, finally. It's a weight I hardly knew I carried.

I've been actively engaged in an indie game project. I can't disclose any information. The main point is that it has seriously rekindled my interest in 2d/3d art. It's lead me to want to draw and paint more to strengthen my artistic abileties in new ways.

I'm working on an assigned group choreo for Urkult 2016. Where I will be a part of a larger ensamblé. It's the most advanced choreographed piece I've ever done with someone. I'm super exited to work with some of the best and most advanced contemporary circus/fire people in Sweden.

I'm currently working extra at Pinchos in Umeå. I've mainly worked doing the dishes which is not all that exciting. It can be full of pressuring challenges and can be a lot of work and responsebility. A restaurant simply will not work if the heart is dead. I find it a valuable experience, however I feel that bartending is where my heart is at. And I do get to stand in the bar every now and then and every time I do I feel so elevated. There's just something tantalizing about it, so for now this is where I will focus my efforts.

And perhaps one of the strongest single rays of light. The one that, when combined with the others elevate and extend them. Making just about every aspect in life seem much fuller. More complete, is the shared and open adventure between me and Zion.

In the wake of all these things I feel alive. I'm more open, vulnurable in a way but stronger in many others.

I feel like that light I sought might just have been a speck on the nightsky, a sky that I will chase from now on.

And I will not rest before the dawn of a new sun.

Signed, Mireneye

Accepting heritage

I realize I come from a family where we hold back, we persevere and tell ourselves there is nothing wrong until everything explodes.

And I never wanted any part of it. And still I became the best of the best.

I don't know exactly how but I know I kept numerous feelings and memories bottled up, all the way to around the age of 24.

This is a confession in two parts.

1, I can be quite explosive. It normally takes a lot to get there but when it does it's quite ugly. It's how I learned how to deal with things and I don't think it's very productive.

2, I'd like to be more logical, more resonable, able to listen to myself more when something is going on that I have to talk about. And I can always try but it's new to me. And when that feels to difficult at times I'll resort to what I know.

Accepting my heritage. Knowing that there's nothing wrong with my body wanting to protect me, but knowing there are better ways to do so is the way forward.

As I continue on my journey towards a better me.

Signed, 

Mireneye

A scale for reality

Some people argue that nothing is real and everything is just happening inside of our head. Some people argue differently. That things have a physical form in the world with or without us.

Some people believe variants of these two extremes. Where thoughts can in some way or shape influence our surroundings. Or that we are all a perpetuated single being splitting itself into several enteties. Only one is real the others just figments of the imagination of a mastermind creature.

What all of the above are talking about is what I will henceforth refer to as the "Scale of reality".

See I really like scales. I'd even argue that scales are the natural order of things and there exist no such thing as binary.

What I mean is that binary is simply two points along a potentially infinite scale that we extract to try to make sense of the world.

And why is this important?

Because on the "Scale of reality", going by the above mentioned logic it would make no sense for the world to exist all objectively and cold as it is.

Neither does it make sense for everything to just be subjective.

In truth, our subjective experience and deduction has to coexist alongside sensory intake.

To answer the question of where we are on this scale. First I think we need to question if we need a solid end to all answer?

Would you be ok if I told you it's dynamic. That every intelligent being on earth is in a constant battle of sorts between what is outside and what comes from within?

It's pretty widely accepted today that consciousness is always changing. The notion of "me" comes from a stream of new memories and sensations becoming old memories and sensations.

It's hard to analyze our reality without bringing our sense of ego into the picture.

What type of world does an animal without a sense of ego percierve? It will likely act according to it's biological needs and fears.

If we are truly just one being living and creating everything inside our own mind. Then for what reason was the ego created? From reason alone the ego stems from a deeper connection than that which only responds to external biological needs.

By deduction that is another reason to follow the logic that every single individual land differently on this scale.

Those who move so far, indeed that we no longer can relate to them, are seen as mad. They loose touch of our common perception of reality.

Our common percecption is different from our internal scale. It's the scale we conform to to allow ourselves to exist on the same plane of reality as everyone else.

For me personally when I go into my artistic zone. I kind of create a heterotopia where it's just me and the task at hand. Sometimes that is accopmanied by a sense of flow, however that is another topic entierly.

Arguably there is an element to flow most people don't think about. But that is the ultimate balance between what is outside and what comes from withing.

We tend to be in the mindstate where our focus is outside. What we project, what we want to show and express.

A lot of people who do drugs (I'm not advocating drugs in any way, just speculation at this point). They easily express themselves as feeling flow. Perhaps precisely because drugs can help some people dissolve the barrier in a world that favors the external reality.

But enough about flow.

And to wrap this up I urge people to explore the world within us. All to often it takes the backseat and like most things in life I think people would feel good if they moderated their reality.

It is after all, the space in which we in some form dwell.

Signed, Mireneye

My weaknesses

"My weaknesses are mine to conquer. Mine alone, and nobody can take that from me" - Mireneye

I just feel...

I just feel as if so much is expected of me on so many levels. I'm expected to be a friend, a teacher. I'm expected to be nice and happy because that is the way I always am. Always the optemist.

I'm expected to pay my bills, do the paperwork, look for jobs and keep up a good smile.

I expect of myself to keep giving because that is that is my path. I expect of myself to be creative, be open, be adventurous.

I expect I can take criticism. And that I can turn it into something productive.

And in all this I'm ALSO expected to plan together a flipping birthday for myself. Bleh...

I expect things to be the same, once something is steady, established and strong.. I just want it to be there, so that I too may feel that there is something there for me as well.

But I do also expect change. But not like this. I don't want to be here, I want to be in a productive space, some place where I can have some god damn peace of mind and a breather.

This too shall fall before me and I will conquer my weakness. I'm hanging on the edge extending my hand upwards, I jsut need the strength to pull myself up.

Signed, Mireneye

Only forever...

"At the time, I felt that only forever is long enough" - Mireneye

When she wakes up, continuation

When she wakes up, I want her to know that she is special.

I want her to know that when she smiles, the world turns

to her like the flowers leaning towards the sun.

And that when she wakes up, all moody and tired.

It's because she's moving, always forward.
She keeps pushing the envelope of who she is

and who she can become.

I want her to know, that she's inspirational even in her weakness. That she shows

herself in ways to me, that excites me and makes me burn stronger.

And if I could decide, I want nothing short of seeing her live life

as she herself choose to live it.

And on this path I want her to know that feeling tired is ok. Feeling

confused, angry, sad, or whichever emotions deep

inside, are ok.

It's ok.

All that there is, and can be.

She should know that on her journey in the moonlit valley.
Her footsteps will never be alone.

When she wakes up.

-Mireneye

Brutalt fucking kär!

Sometimes life just feels great. Like today. Fuck yeah! I'm in love with life. And I'm just in love in general. Here take my love punch!

It's time to sleep. I love to sleep.. Sleep is like the best thing ever! Until the morning comes, then the morning will be the best thing ever.

Who am I kidding? Morning is never the best thing.
The only thing good about the morning is that it's the start of another opportunity for a new adventure.

A new opportunity to be nice and naughty.

Goodnight!

Signed, Mireneye

Dear candle

The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

– Lao Tzu

I see the snow burn. I see the snowlike candlewax melt away. I see it so clearly. How it's becoming a wildfire, almost consuming everything in it's way. But no. It doesn't. With the strength of one heart I see it turning instead, into a bonfire. A radiant light guiding the way for others who walk in darkness, alone and cold.

But sometimes the flame fades, becoming an ember waiting to ignite with passion. From the death of something beutiful something new begins. Always for as long as there is curiosity and passion.

I hope I can feed that passion, that I can stand curious together by the side of the struggling ember. Blowing new winds into the furnace of our shared life.

And when the wildfire comes, the best we can do is to be prepared. And know that it's a sign. It's a sign of a rampant will to become a bonfire. A refuge. Burning strongly, sharing it's warmth with plenty of nourishment to burn brightly.

And you are burning so brightly, dear candle.

Signed, Mireneye