Midnight madness

Well my friends, I have finally gotten back to my old rhythm in life, being awake all night, sleeping most of the day.

The only issue is that several activities that I partake in have their times placed during daytime and some of them are out of my ability to change, others are.

And so, I guess the only logical thing is to try to change what I can to accommodate, because I'm feeling incredible getting back into my rhythm again ^^

That being said, I'm unsure how I should tackle tomorrow. My appointment at the dentist starts in about three hours, I'm going to mostly fall asleep in the chair. In fact I might NEED to because I should stream games at 13:00.

Scratch that, I moved the time to 14:00 to give me some leeway. The good thing with being your own boss (chuckles).

I wish I could sit down right now and just go insane with creativity because I'm in that precise mood, alas I can't do to much noise during night.

I guess I should find a decent anime I can get lost in for some time. Any advice?

Signed, Mireneye

What's on my mind?

I've come to understand that there's a strong link between when I write at the blog and when I feel emotional in some way. As I can most often not get the answers I'm looking for when I turn to people. People are simplistic in how they offer their help and most people do not seem to understand me and what makes me tick. What is internal for me to feel motivated. And lately the people I've tried to talk to have just been.. unavailable at the right time which sucks ass.

Recently I've spent a lot of time everyday working on a project I believe in. I even got the support of others, to work in a team, something I promised myself I wouldn't do because of all of my previous bad experience of working in a team, but knowing who I am I'd like to someday push through and become a better team-player.

I've had the fortune to work with some awesome people and now good friends. I could not have hoped for a better start.

But here is where things cross a silver lining and makes a turn for a more emotional ride.

I don't know what I'm doing or how long the motivation will keep up. I feel the chaos inside me trying to regain control every so often, it beckons me to let go, take a break.

But that is not my way. If contemporary circus and gaming ever taught me one thing is that when you push yourself hard, even when it's not fun, then you are on the verge of new discoveries and becoming better.

Progress is not always fun but working with the new-found abilities you gained from the struggle is priceless.

But now, every time I've denied myself to let things go for a while the urge has gone away only to return stronger then before.

I have so many things I want to do and prioritizing (which has been my savior thus far) does not seem to work any more. I've just bitten of to many fruits at the same time, and pretty hefty chunks at that.

With that being said. First on my list is to have a meeting with the Playjoy crew and talk to them proper about where I am in life right now and what we will make of Playjoy, moving forward.

I think this is my resolve. I'm not stopping but the plan has to be remastered so that the vision and idea can live on. In general more room for the integral chaos of my being to be satisfied because I've grown quite tired of structure and I can slowly see how it's falling apart and how it affects me.

There is a balance, and right now I'm about to fall off one side. But being on the verge has taught me lots of things and hopefully I can keep applying them in the future and keep pushing myself.

While being mindful that one of my greatest weaknesses in recent memory is that I don't know how much I can do before I start becoming emotional and start wavering with my resolve.

Most days I just stop moping around and start being awesome. Even that get's taxing after a while when you have to get through that mental state a few times a day.

I hope you will understand.

Signed, Mireneye

New beginnings!

A lot of things have happened.

Last time I wrote I was still getting used to a new lifestyle, one that favors even more control than chaos. A style I have now seemingly gotten used to.

I find myself planning some chaos into my life and finding just how hilarious it actually sounds. I mean... who plans for chaos? In any case, it's just the way things have fallen into place.

Is it perhaps true that the wiser you grow the more you realize experience only comes from doing things and there are only a few ways to optimize the way we live so that we can do as many things as possible?

If that is true then I have been immensily busy.

I have almost finished the first version of Dynasthir. I have pulled together Playjoy into something bigger than myself and hence destroyed the barrier between me and working with people.

I have taken my first steps in juggling and as such also started touching on juggling three poi, something my mind had foolishly accepted as something I would not get into but what can I say? I'm just to damn fascinated with those damn balls on strings, I love them to death!

I also have more or less pulled together a meeting betweeen photographer and contemporary circus artists. We will see exactly what fruits this meeting will bare within the month, but I'm kind of proud that I've been able to take such tasks upon myself and pull through with them. It's one thing to live for yourself and do your thing, it is quite another to learn to live and deal with people.

In a day from now I'll get my salery. And not long after that I will get even more monetary stability from two other sources. And so my options will soon start to open up before me. Something I have dearly missed in my life for a while now.

However that sacrifice was my own choice for wanting to go on an adventure and I take full responsibility for it.

Anyhoo! The only thing I look back at and see that I have missed out on is hanging out with some of my dearest and closest friends. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to try to change that.

Good morning everyone, new beginnings have arrived!

Signed, Mireneye

I'm whining and I hate it! I'm hating the order but it's the lesser evil...

I won't neglect that I've been in a type of darkness for a while.

I've been holding it off for a pretty good while, it begins with a lot of built up tension and knowledge. Knowledge that life is slowly catching up to me.

Sometimes in life you are ahead. Ecomically you are fine, you have lots of energy and you dispense it wisely. Socially you are given as much if not more energy then you yourself give others.

Other times you are far behind. I feel most people are just taking from me. I feel it at home, at work. I feel it from some of my projects. The few sources I have, even if they are good sources does not hold me steady.

Even if I just had a "vacation" with hotel and everything and I fully enjoyed it, make no mistake. The moment I returned I was just as exhausted as when I left because essentially nothing had changed.

There is only one way to get back on your feet and that is to learn to stand up again. I have employed a few things to help me get back on my feet. When I come home tomorrow I hope with every fiber of my body I will have enough energy to pull through with it.

But truly I just want to lie down and die, and do nothing and let the world pass for an undefined period of time...

But I'd hate to see the all that time wasted. See every where I turn. Every solution is a lesser evil. When the truth is I just want to get back to my creative and free self but there is very few things that can archive greatness through full freedom as projects tend to require a certain amount of order.

Especially with other people involved.

I need to reach that state of "awesome" again. To become one with the wavelength of life. To find the rhythm that defines me.

Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part three (End)

Night had fallen upon LA, Sky took a power-nap so that he would be able to go on for the rest of the night with the six hour drive from LA all the way to Sacramento.

I made sure that I had packed everything. No point in leaving things behind since, being who I am I might decide to do something else after Firedrums.

Half an hour passes and Sky wakes up from the alarm, it's time. We loaded the car and swiftly made our way to Tammys place. We had preplanned to share the ride with her and share the cost for gas, after we had stuffed our stuff into her car we were off, soon leaving LA behind.

Even if I slept most of the time the ride felt pretty slow to me. Almost comparable to my 16 hour flight. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe just my general low energy. Even if you are able to correct the jetlag during a day it takes time for the body to find a natural rhythm, suffice to say I was pretty beat.

---

What I meant by writing final in the title is that the LA chronicles is now over for now. There will most likely be a few more posts in the future. The next post, or posts will cover firedrums in as much vibrant glory as I can muster. 

---

Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part two

There I was...

In that familiarly unpleasant space. Space in all it's forms, the choking cold and lonely vastness only this is a cityscape, not space. And not as empty.

Knowing this, I looked at what I knew and improvised from there on. I was able to get a hold of Wifi so that I could contact my host, luckily he was online. We talked a little bit and I got his full adress, something I should have asked of before.

Tired as I was, I looked at my options. I COULD try to figure out the busses and the metro but I was mentally worn out from the flight, so I decided to take the number one tourist trap, a cab.

Turned out to be a quite expensive trip but it was well worth it.

My host welcomed me with a hug and quickly got me something good for the stomach among other things a noodle soup that was quite excellent!

After settling in I decided to sleep outside on the patio (I'll post some pictures later).
The next day was mostly spend settling in and getting to know the place and figuring things out for the trip to Firedrums.

By nightfall we made our way(quite a long way) in his car to one of the spinjams, only stopping for some mexican tacos. At the spinjam I met up with a friend and made a few new ones. And I also got to spin fire for the first time in a long time, always nice to get into the element. A neat little spiral wrap left me with a burn mark on my right hand.. A burn mark I find myself missing sometimes.

After spending the next morning figuring out that charging my small action cam was pretty much a no go my host was friendly enough to lend me his bike so that I could go to a hardware store and also to do some errands for him.

And since I got back all we've been up to is preparing for FD.

Sorry if this post lacked a bit of finesse that I usually put into these texts. I'm trying to be time efficient seeing as we will be leaving soon.

Oh.. yeah! I got a notebook so that I could puzzle together something nice for you in the next one! So look forward to that.

Signed, Mireneye

After hours - the LA chronicle part one

I'm typing this off my phone so bare with me.

Travelling scares me, but no, not in any normal sense. Not in the oh I'm going to die, get robbed or loose all my money way. Neither does not knowing what to do next scare me. No. What scares me is time.

All that blank space that needs to be filled, correction. You are forced to fill, if you don't; you will be left with a sore behind and a profound deprivation of interaction.

So what do I do to quench this inner desire of mine to pass time quickly? You could be lucky like me and end up with a nice Swedish dude who you can converse and make jokes with most of the trip. The rest of the time I spent with my backup plan, aka the psvita.

When I arrived in LA I realized I had forgotten to figure out how to call people, the neccesary country codes and what not. So for the third time in my life, I'm stranded at an airport.

Suffice to say, I've been there before.

Who we are is but a story

Who we are is but a story.

Everything we do is a piece in an intricate type of literature. A language highly interpretative in all of it's complex details.

The way we see our story is a matter of perspective, change the perspective and you change the outlook.

Misery can turn on a dime into adventure. Vile emotions can turn creative. The power of stories are at our disposal.

Stories have the explicit property of enticing people. As people get caught up in your story they see it in their own way, interpret it by themselves and as such your legend is born.

Whatever winds carry your story, choose them wisely. Fortunate winds will leave you with a good name and you will end up in the hands of your own destiny. 

I have told many stories through my life, but I'm not nearly done! I openly urge you to do the same. We are all storytellers in our own way; The question is...

What stories do you want to tell?

Confidence

Tonight I felt as I should review myself. I have a tendancy to think a lot about things that I would like to strife for in life, sometimes I forget what I have archived and what talents I'm confident with.

So here it is, a comprehensive list of things I judge myself to be good at. And a brief explanation of the history behind them to give some hindsight so that you may better understand where these talents emerged from.

Let's start with the most fundamental properties I have.

1, Patience:
I've always had patience and I honestly don't even know why. And when I mean patience, perhaps what I really mean is a complex blend of patience and focus. For I'm not patient waiting for the buss and I can't focus on highly complex tasks. No, no, not that kind.

My patience is the kind that can wait a long time to archive something, but not the kind that will wait for a buss forever without doing something. I will practically try to hold my breath to improve how long I can keep going without breathing just to pass time. As long as there is a clear goal I can be extreamly patient, but it has to be clear, diffusion really disturbs my focus which is the second part of my patience.

As long as the focus is strong enough and the goal clear enough I can become quite absorbed in practicality or in thought. I have a perfect example from when I was young, I was in school and I was trying to make an A4 paper stand vertically on it's short side. Which of course I was eventually succsessfull in doing, I even have an eye witness. My parents told me about another example in which I sat still, waiting for a fly to land close to me, and when he did I moved ever so carefully towards him until I could just grab him and take him out, my goal of course to leave him unharmed.

2, Calm personality:
And by calm I don't mean that I'm always chilling not running around, totally not, I love to run. I love to do random stuff. By that account I'm not calm.

What I mean is I dispise stressing. The moment I stress things just fall apart and as such I have developed a lifestyle in which I shy away from things that may prove to stressfull. Now at facevalue it may seem like a bad thing but allow me to explain.

Issues that can be directly attributed to stress on my part usually end badly. I loose control and also the ability to function in my usual creative way. The calm, relaxed personality I have allow me to be free, it allows me to be creative.

To be driven not by the pressure of society but the pressure of wanting personal progess is quite wonderfull.

3, Clockwork logic
I had to struggle a bit with the title of this trait. It's very integral to my being. Anyone who has known me for a long time probably knows this. They know that I will forget some things easily unless they tell me explicitly that it's important. I will drift off in thought or come to conclusions without ways to really convey how I ended up thinking the way I did. I will spend time to try to find my own way often finding ways that lead to correct results, only it took me several weeks longer to figure it out. And while my road to archive something might have been more efficient, it's probably not the most obvious. I see things.. but not always like others.

4, Understanding
I can understand if people talk about feelings, I can decipher people in a way, breaking them down into puzzle pieces. But most of all I know what to say when people are down, if they take the time to listen. Half of it is attributed to listening, yet most of you who know me also knows these things tend to leave my memory fairly quickly.

In any case, my detatchment from indulging to much in what others feel enabled my feelings to go somewhat uncolored. However whenever directed at me I absorb feelings normally.

In any case. My way of understanding gives me a unique social aspect, someone who many feel they can talk to whatever they have on their mind. Perhaps because I can detacth myself and look at things in a non-inclusive way or perhaps it's my my honesty. Which brings me to my next point.

5, Brutally honest
I used to just be honest, let me tell you that life doesn't work that well if you just depend on being honest. Sometimes not taking shortcuts to be nice is the right thing to do. But you can always be understanding and gentle in your approach of being brutal. That's all I have to say about it really.



Now that we have established some core properties that I think lie as a base to my talents, let's dive into some more practical talents, shant we?


1, Patience and focus paved the way for several things. The most practical ones being: contemporary circus and gaming. I would say I'm a really good Poi spinner. And I'm arguable quite good at some games.

2, I'm quite good at sex. I have to attribute this to a rare trait of mine called willpower. It's something I always wanted to be good at and I also take great joy in exploring it. I think ever encounter I've had with sex has taught me something of which I've applied the next time around. Sadly for a quite handsome, charming boy as myself I don't really indulge to much in sex. Why? I'm going to have to attribute this to my clockwork logic, I'm sure, had I been moore cookie cutter, cookie cutter girls would love me. But HEY! that's not who I am :P

3, Creativity. This is a difficult topic to cover and it covers a lot of things. It will most likely be the last in this list which has already gone on for far to long.

I don't think these is a single type of creative art that does not interest me at least slightly. Everything that involves painting. I'm interested in how sound and music is created. I'm interested in motion capture, 3d graphics, smithing or the shaping of diamonds. I'm interested in writing and acting as well as playing an instrument. I'm interested in building things and architecture(yet i dislike most math except the creative aspect of it, finding mathemathical solutions to your own problems is a lot of fun). I would even be interested in becoming a voice actor. This is the width and breadth of what interests me. This and so much more!

This is also exactly why my focus is so important. Without it I would be completely lost wanting to do everything at once. Right now I'm stuck between performing with poi and making 3d graphics and taking care of a gaming related channel on youtube. This comes with a rather large set of subgoals etc, too many to name here.

If I had to give myself a composite title of the things I do it would be something along the lines of:
3d artist, actor, hardcore gamer, let's player in training and poi artist extraordinairé with a knack for writing.

I think I can say with confidence that I have a lot of interesting qualities and while I largely enjoy where I'm in life, I'm conident I will keep moving forward developing new skills along the way. Than you for your time!

Signed, Mireneye

A powerful moment (Demon's Soul's spoilers)

"Leave us, slayer of Demons.

This is a sanctuary for the lost and wretched.

There is nothing here for you to pillage or plunder.

Please, leave quietly."

For me this is one of the most memorable moments in Demon's Soul's. Let me paint the setting for you.

---

As you emerge from the fog you stand deep down in a pit of dispair. Several dirtbrown plagued waterfalls collect in an almost crimson pool. A pool which can be seen just a few meters from a ledge close to whence you came from. 
 

To your right in close vicinity you are made witness to wretched and twisted humanoids seemingly praying for no apparent reason, perhaps praying for salvation?

In the pool below, plagued babies crawl around in the almost mud like liquid. On the far end of the chasm, a fair dressed maiden lies upon a plateu with a knight clad in heavy armour at her side. She beckons him.

"Go forth, Garl Vinland.
May you be unharmed." 

Garl arms himself with his large bludgeon weapon and begins to make a slow looming approach towards you, walking on a slope on the left hand side.

As you stand there, trying to grasp the moment, you know in your heart you came here to end their lives but for what exactly?

---

And if that isn't powerful enough, depending on who you kill first, the other will want to be by their side and as such will commit suicide.

This moment in Souls games are perhaps equalled only to one other moment. These games tempt at our deepest emotions without needing to shove stories in our faces. Let them be a testament to great and deep storytelling. A forgotten art among RPGs

Signed, Mireneye

Far reach of the soul

I think a lot of us have wondered about life and especially how we ended up where we are today. How such amazing complexity can bring about such intricate and wonderful experiences is rather quite baffling.

Additionally a lot of us have pondered openly unjudged by sceptics wether our paths through life are pre-determined or not. I know I have. There's even some really solid quantum physics that proves that free will exists (if a thing such as solid quantum physics really do exist) more than being a manifestation of our search to understand.

In a way that's a universal truth for most of humanity. A lot of our answers are simply that, manifestations of truth.

I'm here to offer an alternative that dawned upon me last week.

I was just casually scouring the vast reaches of the internet, commenting on a profound piece of sentiment I found on a very well known social site:

"There is still that part of me, hidden very far away, that wonders what life would be like if I hadn't stayed in SFO, and had gone back to Sacramento, or never left in the first place.

Then I realized that none of this would be, and all of this is me."

This got my neurons all types of fired up.

I have oft believed that If it wasn't for some specific events in my life I would not have been where I am today. But today I'm less certain this is true. I think, maybe my being would still have found similar ground, would still have threaded similar pathways.

And I can somewhat see the possibility that life is a hybrid between a predetermined base and many different iterations along similar paths all beginning at the base.

If we stop to talk about the physicality of things, further questions arise, like:
Is staying really so different from moving? Relativity and space...

How far does a "soul" need to travel from the base to loose all of it's original being? I think you will find yourself answering something along the line of "probably very long".

If that rings true in any form to you, then I rest my case.


But how about an example to explore two different iterations. For simplicity we have one path leading to poverty and one leading to riches.

Some would say these properties would make a world of difference, but in the end this difference is incredibly small. Their worth is a manifestation of our truth, the currency weight so little and all of it is part of this planet. It's just matter changing forms. So while this might be a huge change for you, to everything it is small... unimportant.

I'm on the verge of making this sound like something bad. On the contarary! some would argue, the less important it is to the universe the more important it is to you. Case in point, arguably a rockstar is more to the universe(again a construct by us) but not as important as your best friends.

In the end this is left in the hands of what personal values you have. For instance, to some everything else will be important... I'm just making an example.

My mind is screaming at me at this point that I have to reinforce that we are also part of the universe and it is a part of us. Something I entierly agree with.

But I have to bring things on a personal level to be able to make examples we can relate to. I would ask you to try to apply this logic on higher concepts yourself, but I think it might give just about anyone a hard time. I know I struggled to explain all this.

So there you have it, an example of how even a fairly large personal change doesn't really change that much. It's a construct. Things change but...

The far reach of the soul travels not much longer from it's origin than an apple falling from it's tree.

The bullet

I've been haunted since childhood by something I haven't really told anyone. One could call it one of my most well kept secrets.

The reason is because I've always lacked ways to explain it and frankly nobody has ever asked or explained something similar so I have just stored the experience in mind, looking for an adequete way to explain.

Tonight I decided to just ramble it out to my mother and boy was I surprised how well the words painted the scenario.

This might sound crazy, at best it could just be a fragment of my vivid imagination that still linger inside of me. At worst this could make me sound all kinds of mental. The general feeling you have to concider when reading is that this feels like something so much more real and tangliable.

I've had this since I can remember, and it strikes me at the oddest of times at events that carry little to no correlation to each other, except being a part of everything.

One instance was when I was living in Överklinten. I was outside maybe nine years old, standing next to one of those powerlines poles and I held my hand against it's wooden surface and I was suddenly overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. They invaded in giant heaps of ambivalence in the form of sadness and happyness and a lot of other contradicting emotions.

In the same moment I felt as if I was watching the universe unfold before my eyes. The vision portrayed images that either conveyed the same feelings or perhaps these images were summoned by the feelings themselves. However I can hardly begin to ponder if the images or the feelings came first.

I saw pain and suffering. I saw people, lots and lots of different people and animals. But beyond seeing their emotions I was seeing their design... for this brief moment I could feel how small organisms worked together to make larger beings function.

I'm caught offguard by the shock and have to take a quick breath. It's over before it even really started. A glimpse of everything.

To my mother I explained it as if you took a gun loaded with cosmos and shot it through your head. As it passes your head you connect to everything, you see it all. Swiftly the bullet pushes through on the other side leaving you breathless..

And just like that, it's over.

I had one of these today which reminded me of them. I'm starting to wonder what they are and if other people have ever felt the same.

Signed, Mireneye

Scraps...

When you are like me.. largely disorganized in large quanteties of time you amount a bunch of random texts scattered throughout your phone, text documents on the computer with titles that bare no relation to the subject or with notes everywhere. In my scraps series on this blog I just type down stuff that I found while looking around.

"Remember to be god."

"All hell might break loose, but I'll be there to stop it."

"One sip will lead to more and then you are broke."

"Resourceress"

"I have no need to befall evil upon thee ... for it is said in legend that you shall perish by my hands."

"Seriously though, that thought does go through my mind."

"It's also helpful when your anger decreases the speed of light." (Quote from forum).

"Just gonna stand there and watch me turn?" (Warewolf Eminem remix).

"It's all about the flavours. A person who likes a lot of flavors has a richer experience of life."

"I'm standing in a sea of understanding, yet like Yin and Yang, I'm the spot that makes the difference"

Signed, Mireneye

Excerpt

That ghastly shriek was right there, as if sound could touch your soul.
The walls, brimming with the vibrant yet cold paint of a deadly echo.

Sentient apparitions, barely even scratching the membrane of our reality..

Driving us ever closer to the edge of our sanity...

A slice of emotion

Sometimes the smallest of things can feel like so much more.

Especially when you spend a lot of time and energy on gearing up to something only to have it backfire.

Or do I just choose another approach? oh life, handing me these choices.

Signed, Mireneye

All those beutiful things

It's like being alive.
Finally.

Not only allowing myself to feel, but to become one with my
feelings.

      .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.     .-"-.
           "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"     "-.-"

My mind has struggled for a while, unknowingly looking for something. But as you may know, when you don't know what that "something" is.. you may not know how to reach it. How far you need to go or how deep you have to dive.

I've had to dive through death and tears. And tonight it all came together as I was watching the stars on my ceiling.

Every star I have represents someone dear to me, and there will be many. I'm still in the process of putting them up. 

As I go to bed I can feel secure as my stars are watching over me.

One represents my dear mother whom I not always made justice. Her core and not what her illness has made her will always be my guiding star. I'm so happy and proud to be her son, she is at heart the most humble and kind person. Words can hardly describe how much I love her.

One represents my dad. Without his lectures and his strength I would have not have learned what it is to truly live. The spirit of our family, when we set our mind to something we can archive anything, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says. He's my hero, together he and my mom made everything possible.

My ceiling is like my heart, and in my heart there is plenty of space. 

On that canvas full of stars are also my friends who shine the brightest.

I'm now not only allowing myself to feel, but to have become one with my
feelings.

And it feels amazing to finally cry, to love and to lust.

Signed, Peter Elvin